If She can make her feel special, so can you!

I’ve noticed while watching tv and going out, that drag queens know how to treat a lady and be a lady. What the fuck could I mean? Well, drag queens are very witty and bitchy but they know manners and are polite at the same time. I have gotten complements from them without coming off as sleazy, and at the same time make me feel very pretty and sexy. You don’t need to be in drag make up to do this for a girl. Next time you have time really look at the underlining behavior and speech of a drag queen and maybe you can pick up how to smoothly make a girl feel special

only a kid could get away with that!

Sex Tip Of The Day:

Hi Humpers, I’m back!!!

I do have a great sex tip for you fella’s out there. It happened the other day and I enjoyed it very much and thought I’d share. See how thoughtful I am : ) Just playin. So anyway, I was kissing and enjoying myself quite a bit (cuz boy had some moves), when he did something that sent me through the roof. While we were kissing he had his hand on the small of my back. No biggie, that’s a staple move for most men, but while we kissed he slid his open hand from the small of my back down over the middle of my upper ass and pushed me closer to him and held me there. I was wearing a very short skirt at the time and every fiber in my being wanted him to just go a little further south, but he didn’t. Very sexy. Actually, it was wonderful. I’ve been groped, slapped and fondled but this was like the gentlemen’s way of adding a little fire to the kiss without all out grabbin my goodies. Try it next time you’re making out and get back to me!

In an attempt to cover the basics and lay the foundation to our work here at HappyHumper.com, I’m embarking on the most painfully simple, yet totally loaded process of explaining one of the most googled question out there: How to have sex.

Please keep in mind that as a lady of love I have performed the act of sexual intercourse too many times to count, but what I’m giving you in this series will be MY take on how to prepare, perform, and finish the act of having sex. Of course my faithful Humper’s, everyone has their own way of doing things so be open to new experiences and advice.

Part One: How to Prepare

Here are a few things you’ll need to help you get started:

A playmate: by this I mean a girl with whom you wish to have sex with and she mutually agrees to do the same with you. This always helps.

A location:find yourselves a nice quiet place where you can have sex and not get caught with your pants down. This would help. Later when you’re more experienced we’ll talk about how to have sex in public places and the like. Patience apprentice.

A box of condoms: I’m about to get serious here so I apologize ahead of time. If you are worried about not getting as much pleasure out of wearing a condom I’m sorry, there’s no way around it. There are more expensive condoms out there that promote better sensation then others, do your research and if they’re more expensive spend the extra $$$. STD’s are very serious and all too real. Protect yourself, protect those you have sex with, and stop the spread. Wrap it up each and every time or I’ll hunt you down and cut it off. The right to have unprotected sex goes only to those in a mature, monogamous relationship. And even then it should be done AFTER you both get tested and you still need a way to protect yourself from pregnancy. If you wish to be promiscuous and still refuse to wrap it up, you should be fixed… and by fixed I mean you should have your member removed until you grow up and then you can have it back. Sorry to get bitchy about this but it’s not to be taken lightly. You could ruin someone’s life or your own just by having sex. Think about if it’s worth it. Wrap it up so Ladylove doesn’t have to find you and let out her inner Jacqueline the Ripper. Also what definitely fucking helps is bringing your own. It’s your penis so you bring the condoms. Don’t expect the lady to buy them.

A bottle of lube:I say just have it for backup. If you’re taking notes on this post you’ve probably not had much experience and believe me, that’s okay. That’s why I’m writing it. But what I’m trying to get at is that you may not exactly get her as wet as she could be THIS time around… keep reading HappyHumper.com and I’m sure you’ll be an expert in no time. Either way, buy a bottle and keep it as backup. If you want to really come out on top buy a flavored (BUT NOT WARMING) lubricant. Warming can have potential side effects so play it safe. Also, another trick is to rub a very small amount of flavored lube on your meat and potatoes beforehand. This way, it’ll most likely soak in and leave a sweet, sugary flavor behind for her enjoyment if she’s inclined to give you head. Remember though, just a pea size or else it’ll just seem like you walk around with a slimy penis… and we all know the slimy bird never catches the worm (what??), ok well, what I’m trying to say is a slimy penis won’t help you get some at all.

Bonus points: Create the mood if you can. Have sexy music in the background (for more info about that read our post: Sex Soundtracks), light some candles, turn the lights off… you get my drift. She’ll eat it up, not to mention it’ll boost her confidence a little to know you’ve gone out of your way AND she can cover up anything on her body she may not be comfortable with you seeing. Benefits to you are equally important. If you’re at all self conscious over penis size, a beer gut, hairy ass, double chin (I dunno what guys worry about)… this will without a doubt help!

Extra Bonus Points:Good hygiene. Shit, Shower, Shave… manscape! Trim the boys but don’t shave them or the shaft of your penis or else you’ll be really, REALLY sorry when that shit grows back in. Just keep it manicured, it’ll make you appear to have a larger cock as well as be easier for her to handle. No one likes to pull pubes out of their mouth while they’re trying to givehead. Also, shave your stubble. If you have a beard or whatever, fine. Keep it. Just shave the stubble as that hurts and doesn’t make for good kissing on either set of lips she owns… you guessed it, this monumentally helps.

Extra, Extra Bonus Points:If you’re the type who can get hard relatively easy, masturbate while you’re in the shower before your date. Popping one off quickly may help you to last longer during the act but don’t do it if it’ll inhibit your little Humper from wanting to come out and play with your new friend. Yes it helps.

Side note if I may: Please, if you love your LadyLove you’ll do this one, very small little favor for me. Stay the hell away from garlic, curry, onions (red ones!), cigarettes (unless she smokes), or anything of the like. Just because you like the taste of it going down DOESN’T mean she’ll like tasting it as it emanates from your stomach. Please don’t take this the wrong way but men tend to radiate smells more than women do so keep this in mind when you order dinner. Even if you brush your grill after kissing a few times, whatever stank-ass meal you had will start to resurface once the minty freshness is gone from the brushing. Just FYI.

At this point I’m going to open the floor to all our Humper’s out there. If you’ve found anything in particular that works best for you please comment below.

Keep in mind this article only goes through how to prepare for sex, save the juicy stuff for Part 2: Performing Sex. In the meantime, let other Humper’s in on your secrets and I’ll just have to love you forever.

Stay tuned for more

ladylove says:

There are a few reasons why a woman wouldn’t give head. 1. She could be afraid she’s not good at it. Which, with a little direction from you i’m sure she’d be a porn star at it in no time. 2. She doesn’t like to do it. This you can work at too, do things to make your spunk nicer tasting. Read this “funky spunk”.

All of these problems can be solved by a few things from you. You may call it manipulation, and maybe it is, but what the fuck, it works. First, act shy. Act like you haven’t had head much and are on the fence about it. Acting like you are a porn star already, or that you really enjoy oral sex because you’ve had it so much is BAD BAD BAD! In fact, acting like you are ALL THAT and really experienced only makes someone, especially if they like you, really nervous to live up to your expectations. Secondly, reinforcement. Always, ALWAYS use positive reinforcement to get a girl to do what you want in bed. Don’t push her head down there, don’t flat out say “suck my dick”, just reinforce her. Work up her trust and her ego. If she knows how much she pleases you she’ll eat it up! And believe me, she’ll jump at the opportunity to please you more or to be better at something (like giving head) then anyone else you’ve ever had!

Be sure to tell her how sexy she is, how much you want her, and what she does to you. Once you’ve boosted her ego then go in for the kill. “Oh my God you know what you’d do to me if you ever put that mouth around my cock. I’d probably explode” Something like that. Try it, get back to me!

 Ms Zombie says:

 Well I wish there was a pill to make her do it automatically but brother you got to ask. And I am not saying to go to her randomly and say , “Can you give me head?” What I am saying is see if she has ever given head before. If she hasn’t, more likely than not she is nervous. If she has maybe hint that you enjoy it as well. If she has given you head and has stopped maybe there is something you can do to help. For instance shave if you have a bush, or drink your fruit juices.

Madam Cougalicious says:

Aaron, you horn dog you.  Giving head is an art form that takes time to develop.  If she is as young as you, she will not know what to do with your dick.  That being said, do you want her around your dick if she doesn’t?  Which has me thinking… do you know what you like yet?  If you do, you will need a lot of patience to teach her and win her over.  The act of giving head makes the female feel very vulnerable.  You need to reassure her and this will take time.  I would suggest to start with licking first and as she feels more comfortable, light sucking of the head.  Control yourself though, you do not want to cum in her mouth if she is not ready.  This would scare her off for sure.