"Excuse me ma'am, I'd like to motivate you to have sex with me!"

The 6 month rut. We’ve all experienced it.

Let me fast forward through the boring shit. You met a gal, liked her enough to have sex with, liked her sex enough to have a relationship with her, fucked like rabbits while you got to know each other and now counting sheep get more action in your bedroom than you. I hear ya. It usually happens after the honeymoon phase is over. You start to get comfortable. The initial excitement wears off and you find yourself 6 months, a year, two years into a relationship with someone you love and enjoy, but aren’t having the same fun in the sack you used to. What happened to that girl you used to have sex marathons with? Fuck if I know. I bet at this point sex in the shower’s totally not an option and you’re lucky if you get it once a week. You poor guy. Pshh, fuck that. Here’s what you do, humpette style.

CHANGE IT THE FUCK UP!

Go to the sex shop on your damn lunch break or on your day off… without her. I want you to buy a pocket rocket or something manageable and non-I’m-a-pervert style. What do I mean? Do not bring home a KINGSIZED DONG okay? Pocket rockets are great and cheap. If you are already using toys in the bed, get something that you haven’t tried or used on her. Buy some flavored lube but ask the dude behind the counter what sells the most and which is the best flavor. Next, I want you to buy a blindfold, feather, something to tie her up with and candle. Don’t forget the lighter.

I want you to brush up on your dirty talk. Don’t use the regular lingo if you guys already dish the dirty. Switch it up, get really dirty. Object of the game here is to totally surprise her and knock her ass out of the comfort zone.

Women get turned on not only by the physical stuff. The fact that you planned all this just for her (really for you too) will be a massive turn on as well. Enjoy the results. And remember that when the 6 month rut comes along, you can always find something new or different to spring on her.

Please don't get us wrong, it's not because we're lazy... sometimes we just like to watch

Back by popular demand: Do Women Like….

Well, this week we’ve had an overwhelming number of masturbation questions so here it is Humpers…. Do women like when you masturbate in front of them? Honestly, I don’t know a single woman who doesn’t get turned on by her man strokin his own shaft. So to answer you question….HELL-tada-YEA!

There aren’t too many secrets here guys, its a huge turn on any way ya look at it. Not only does it tease us, but also shows the more inexperienced gal just what to do (should we not be 100% sure) to pleasure you. Plus the idea of you touching yourself to the sight of us is an incredible turn on all on its own.

So, Humpers, feel free to include some masturbation in your sexy time. Here’s a tip from one of our female readers:

“I love it when a man masturbates in front of me. Especially when he does it and rubs the tip of his penis over my clit before he sticks it in.”

That’s all I got to say about that! Short n sweet!

So, here you have this hot ass chick, perfect ten, right out of your dreams… and she doesn’t know what in the world she’s doing? What do you do now???
You first have to consider whether or not it’s you. Have you been sexually active before? Have you gotten compliments in bed before? Would you consider yourself a giving lover? If you’re not a giver you automatically suck. So, are you a giving lover? Consider all these things. Have you given women orgasms before? Do you know how to work whatcha mama gave ya? If you answered yes to all these things you have to consider what comes next.
Secondly, decide if she’s worth trying to tinker with and fix. You could totally fix this, but is she THAT fantastic? Is she hot enough, likeable enough, what have you? If the answer is yes, continue reading (wow this feels like one of those interactive books where you keep making decisions and keep flipping to the pages).
Thirdly, make your action plan. Ok, so it’s not you, it’s definitely her. She fits every standard you have and the only thing about her you don’t care for is her sexy time. Now comes the communication part. If you don’t feel comfortable communicating to her straight, like over spaghetti or something, then do it in bed.

This can be done rather skillfully by way of dirty talk:

- encouraging dirty talk (ie, yes baby right there, suck harder, or keep going just like that)

- imaginative dirty talk (ie, I really want you bent over my sofa or I want you to touch yourself for me)

- or placement (reach over and put her hand on your cock or put her in the positions you want her in).

Women are not mind readers but they are smart. Teach her what you want without letting her know you’re teaching her. If she likes you, she’ll want to please you. Remember this though, the more encouraging, complimentary, and overall obsessed with her body, beauty, and performance you are… the better performance you’ll get out of her. Good lucks!

If She can make her feel special, so can you!

I’ve noticed while watching tv and going out, that drag queens know how to treat a lady and be a lady. What the fuck could I mean? Well, drag queens are very witty and bitchy but they know manners and are polite at the same time. I have gotten complements from them without coming off as sleazy, and at the same time make me feel very pretty and sexy. You don’t need to be in drag make up to do this for a girl. Next time you have time really look at the underlining behavior and speech of a drag queen and maybe you can pick up how to smoothly make a girl feel special

 MsZombie says:

First off it was kinda messed up that you slept with her sister. Second, lying is never a good thing to add on top of that. Now I am not saying that you have to tell her, but you will have to live with the decision. She might never find out, but the guilt might eat away at you… or you could tell her and she’ll break up with you. This is kind of one of those questions that really no matter what we say you are the one living with it. However, if you are really serious about this girl, you might want to tell her because it could always come out later.

LadyLove says:

Hey I think I saw an episode of this on Jerry Springer! Just playin, I recommend if you want to continue a relationship with her that you never tell her. Telling her is the right thing to do, but she will leave you. Not to mention the turmoil it’ll cause in her family. Unless she’s into sharing with siblings… does she live in Alabama by any chance (no lie it has the highest rate of incest, second is Alaska)? No? Then not a good idea. What you two did was morally wrong, but if the sister doesn’t want your girlfriend to find out then keep it locked up. If she’s already on bad terms with sis and you can’t go on with yourself, tell her. Just don’t expect her to ever forgive you.

kiss me, baby!

Quick Sex Tip of the Day: Brush Yo’ Grill! 

This guy over here is never gonna get layed, BUT I thought I’d write a quick tip to all you Humper’s out there who I love so much. Please brush your grill.

 Oral Hygiene is something women look at ALL the time! If you’ve neglected to brush your teeth today, we’ve noticed. Keeping good oral hygiene is not only important for your own well being, but not taking care of your pearly whites could cause problems for your girlfriend as well. Think about how much bacteria is in your mouth. Now, don’t clean it properly, let it furment… now, you go down on her… YUM!!!

Let’s not forget you probably use your spit for lubrication when you’re playing with her or possibly during sex… mmm, nothin like a good dose of bacteria to stick in your twat! You just turned your penis into a yuck flavored popsicle. Women are prone to urinary tract infections as well as yeast infections and a ton of other stuff so keep her vajayjay healthy. I promise you’ll have more sex if the girly parts are all in working condition!

Not to mention, your stinky breath will not be a turn on when she kisses you.

Keep ’em clean! happyhumping! ]]> http://www.happyhumper.com/2010/05/sex-tip-oral-hygiene/feed/ 0 http://www.happyhumper.com/2010/05/how-to-dirty-talk/ http://www.happyhumper.com/2010/05/how-to-dirty-talk/#comments Mon, 10 May 2010 01:28:39 +0000 Lady Love http://www.happyhumper.com/?p=809 How’s your sex life these days? Missing a little something? Not feeling that spark? Striking out with the ladies in the sex department? Well, we may have just what you need… no, this is not an infomercial for the new Axe deodorant flavor; it’s an article about dirty talk. I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic and how I would break it down for you Humper’s out there so it’d be easy to pick up… so far this is the best I can do. Be sure to leave me some questions if you have them.

If you don’t think dirty talk is important during sex you are seriously missing out. It’s simply one of the best ways to increase both your libidos and improve sex in and out of the bedroom. Learn the language of dirty talk today; go on to have phenomenal sex tomorrow. If you can master this secret language you could easily move to sex god status. Actually, it’s not really a secret. It’s not really a language either, but it is a skill you’ll want to know and reading this article will provide the basics for you (hopefully).

In my experience, I’m amazed at how many guys either don’t talk during sex at all, or attempt dirty talk and fail miserably. Talking dirty to your gal is one of the easiest ways to get her turned on and assists in getting her off faster and easier. Alls ya gotsta do now is learn the lingo.

In my attempt to teach you the basics, I’ll first give you the run down on the “what NOT to do’s.” Unfortunately, guys who try without having a little tutoring first might receive a grade for effort, but most often flunk so pay attention…

Things that may flunk you easily:

NOT talking dirty – your girl may not ask you for it, but no doubt what gets her hot is a little naughty talk. If you want to increase her chances of having an orgasm learn the lingo and use it! Find what works best for the two of you; don’t use some cheeseball porn phrases please.

NOT using the right volume – I know it sounds lame, but I’ve had guys who tried to talk dirty and it may have worked in improving their performance in bed… if I could have heard him. Nothing breaks the mood more than having to ask “What?” Make sure you’re speaking loudly enough for your gal to hear but not to disrupt the neighborhood. Unless that’s your thing.

NOT consistently talking dirty – I find that most guys get lost in their own head when having sex. Maybe they’re thinking of the last night’s Lakers game so they don’t blow premature, but that aside, if you start talking dirty BEWARE she’s gonna like it and want you to continue. Don’t say one or two things and then stop.

NOT saying the right things – This is a big one and it’s totally subjective so I’ve included some helpful phrases below. Of course your lady is completely different and may like it when you slap her and call her a whore, but I haven’t included those types. Also, be sure you’re in tune to what she wants. Stay away from the same phrases over and over. Mix it up a bit and use your imagination… we all know you Humpers out there have them.

Ok, so the thought of talking dirty to your girl probably excites you, but what if you’re afraid to sound like a ‘tard in the process. Have no fear. There is a very simple equation when it comes to dishin’ the dirty talk. Note* aside from the first tip, the others are not in any particular order of importance.

First and most importantly, remember it’s all about her. Her vajayjay comes before your dingdong and you HAVE to make her feel that way. The best performance you’ll get from a woman is if you make her feel desired, lusted after, and absolutely irresistible. In other words, when you’re talking dirty talk about her. Talk about what you want to do to her, what you’ve been thinking about doing to her, what you’re going to do to her, what you want her to do to you, and how she feels doing what she’s doing. Easy right?

Second, ask her yes or no questions, or questions that require short answers. Unless you’re in a long distance relationship, do not ask her for an all out thesis on what she wants to do with your cock. Not necessary. Dirty talk is passionate and spontaneous; let’s not make it more complicated than it needs to be.

Three, be prepared to take the reins. Unless she’s a dirty talk diva, you lead! You are the one who’s going to initiate and carry the two of you through the climax. She may chime in and get just as naughty as you, which would be awesome, but in case she doesn’t just be prepared.

Four, you are turning her on and working her toward a climax, your dirty talk should mirror that as well. Start out with some soft talk (not to be confused with soft volume) and as she’s getting ready to blow make sure you get more and more perverted and/or demanding. Or, you could be really pervy in the beginning to get her going and as the climax comes closer, use more gentle phrases. Whatever works.

Five, listen to what she wants and do it or say it. If she says over brunch one day that her fantasy has always been to get fucked in the bathroom of McDonalds, make sure the next time you two are intimate you talk about what you’ll be doing to her once you get her in the stall at MickyD’s… “First I’m gonna buy some fries then I’m gonna shove them…” just kidding. Or, if she tells you she likes a dominating man consider it permission to be taking the lead. Dominate that shit by making sure your naughty talk follows suit.

Six, don’t assume right off the bat she’s a bonafide pervert like you and the rest of us Humpettes. Alls I’m saying is don’t freak her out right away with the “I wanna rape your little asshole.” Work her into it, k? Also deep, sensual, pervy dirty talk is not what you do on the first rompin’. There are two types of dirty dish. The generic (some things you say to someone you don’t know too well) and the deep dish (to someone you can be as much as a pervert as you want to because you know just what turns them on).

Seven, unless she’s into it, please do not refer to your member as some sort of food object. I only include it because it’s happened. Women do not want to hear you refer to your lil man as a bratwurst or Vienna sausage (I shit you not it’s happened). Unless she’s in Ripley’s Believe It Or Not museum for worlds most obese woman, I’m willing to bet food isn’t turning her on. I’m gonna just end on that note.

A great tip: you may already know from some of my other articles that a GRAND idea is to call or text your gal while she’s away and dish some dirty talk. Doing this while she’s at work or off to buy groceries is a fun way to keep up the momentum of your sex life.

Ok, so the moment you’ve all been waiting for (drum roll please)………………………

After sifting through countless dirty talk websites and books, I found some really great phrases that are easy to remember, generic, and really hot:

Do you like the way that feels?

Use your mouth on me.

You’re so damn gorgeous.

I’m going to control you tonight.

Tell me what you want.

Just lie back and let me make you cum.

You like that, don’t you? You like it when your man fucks you?

I adore how naughty you are.

You taste so good.

Come over here and ride me hard.

No one has ever made me come as hard as you can.

You make me so damn horny, baby!

I want to feel those sweet lips all over me.

Fuck me, right now.

I’m going to lick you and suck you until you cum for me.

Do that some more.

Should I tie you up and make you take it, or are you going to be good?

Don’t you dare come until I say you can.

I’m not finished with you yet

You want this cock inside you?

Do you like the way I fuck you, baby?

I want your pussy all over me

It’s all yours.

I want to watch you touch yourself

I want you to come in my mouth.

You want to feel me come? Touch me right there –

How do I taste?

I love the way you taste.

Better be careful…if you don’t do what I tell you, I might stop.

I’m going to make you come until it hurts.

I like it when you spread your legs and take me in?

Do you want more?

Can you come again? I want some more.

Don’t cum, I’m not finished with you yet.

You want it harder, baby?

Tell me you want me to fuck you.

 Tell me you love my fucking cock

There are a  ton of combinations you could use, just have fun and experiment. On a last note, when things start getting really pervy you may just want to remind your lady that what you say in bed doesn’t reflect how you think of her as a person. Just in case. Alright, I think my job is done here… HappyHumping!

*final note* Something was brought to my attention the other day and it’s totally worth mentioning. Anything including “I want to make you come” may put too much pressure on the situation. Solution to this: use those types of phrases with someone you know how to make come like a longtime girlfriend or fuck buddy. If it is someone you’ve just met or only experienced in bed a few times you may not want to say things like that.

MsZombie says:

Ummm well, with me I let them know. However since I know that some girls… ok most girls, don’t tell you most things maybe you should check out my article on fetishes. It gives some pointers on introducing new idea to the bedroom. Also a way that can help is while having sex just grab her face softly and tap it a couple times, or flat out ask her if you can smack her. Who knows maybe she’ll be the type that likes getting a black eye. And if that is the true MARRY HER. hahah …. just joking.

LadyLove says:

LMAO! Ok, I’m gonna answer this as if it were a serious question so here it goes:

When she’s not asking for it… bad idea.

When she IS asking for it (as in, “smack me in the face”)… have at it.

Naw, unless she’s Courtney Love there’s really no excuse. Don’t smack your woman around or else you’ll end up in jail or havin’ your ass beat by her big brothers. If she’s THAT annoying just get outta dodge. It’s not worth it. Not to mention, some of these ladies are crazy. Smack your bitch and you may end up with a cat-clawed face and a sore groin! oooch!

“How do you get your lady in the mood – especially in a long term relationship?” (Xander, 29)

LadyLove says:

I find that simple things will do it. Although we act like complicated creatures, we’re really not. Simple things like calling your lady at work and talking dirty to her, or telling her how much you want her will guarantee a good night of romping. It’s always best if you boost her self esteem… stroking her ego will definitely get her in the mood.

If you’re looking for something specific here’s an idea. Spend time and money on her. I know it sounds materialistic and I’m not by any means saying you have to spend money on her to get you some, but I’m just throwing a ‘for example’ out there. A good way to soften her up and rekindle some sexy time is to ask her out on a date. Once she accepts your invitation tell her you’re going to take her shopping for a dress and shoes to wear on the date. This is a very cute touch and a nice way to make her feel good about herself. DONT just give her your Visa ok. Physically go with her and make a fuss when she comes out of the dressing room. I’ve had feedback from a few Humper’s out there and they were surprised how much fun they had playing dress-up with their gal pals.

If you want something a little more interesting, another idea is going lingerie shopping together or even sex toy shopping.

If money is tight, or you’re a tightwad, here are a few more ideas: Cook for her and set up a picnic on the floor in a tiny corner of the house with a few candles lit, take her to the beach at night for a moonlight make out session, or when she gets home offer her a foot massage and slowly work your way into a full-body-with-a-happy-ending massage

A little attention goes a long way with women and will put her in the mood to get it on. Feel lucky, in a long term relationship you have the advantage of knowing your woman in and out, which means you can cut loose enjoy her without worrying if she has an ulterior motive.

Ms.Zombie says:

This is always going to be an ongoing question in a relationship. I noticed the longer I am in mine, the more romantic things seem to get me in the mood. Like getting n back rub or a bubble bath. However on the same token, it turns me on when he picks me up and slams me into the wall of the parking lot to make out with me.
 
When you are in a long relationship I think the key to turning her on is to do something you haven’t done in a while, and by “in a while” I mean something you would have done within the first two months of you dating. Sometimes you just get into the habit of having plain sex at the same time on the same days. I guarantee if you show her random things you did, whether it be sexual or not, she will be the one ripping your clothes off.