Show her who boss

Some times it is sexy to watch a guy jack off. I’m not saying surprise her while she is sleeping and hover over her as your doing it (unless it is a game and that’s what you are into)but I think cranking one out in front of her during sexy time is not a bad  thing. She will probably get really turned on and start playing with herself as well.

 MsZombie says:
Some women get super nervous about a guy going down on them. A lot of times it  has to do with their own insecurities. Unlike you guys, girls think of everything from “do i taste good?” to “is my pussy normal size?” So that possibly could be why she says she doesn’t like it. Just make sure that you drop a hint every now and then about how perfect her pussy is, maybe she will warm up a little
 
Also your technique could be the reason. Are you attacking it like a raw piece of meat or are you slowly dragging your tongue across her clit. There are a lot of writings on how to eat proper pussy however it is finding what she likes. A really good way to see what spots get her off is ask her to masturbate in front of you. Watch what she does with her fingers. Is she mainly rubbing or fingering? Does she tease herself or does she go for the gold? Once you see what she likes try to do the same with your tongue.
 
Lastly there is nothing wrong with liking. I’m sure you’ll like it a lot more once she gets into it too. More men should actually be like you! Believe it or not, a lot of guys don’t so the fact that you can say you love it should be something you should be proud of.

LadyLove says:

Dude you have to find out why she doesn’t like it. Has she ever liked it when a guy has done it to her? Is it just how you do it or is she a vagina-phobe? If she is, definitely stroke her ego A LOT! Women can be really vagina shy, so be sure to tell her how much you love her lady parts. If she’s enjoyed it from other lovers, your technique could be what is deterring her. Ask her how she wants you to do it or if you can improve in some way. There are tons of  sites and books dedicated to the art of going down on a gal. Also, stay tuned to our cunninglingus article coming soon!

Also, to answer your question about whether it’s normal for you to like it more than she does… it’s not normal, I think guys don’t really care to do it most of the time. So yes, you are a freak of nature and a national treasure. Keep lovin’ it! She’s a lucky gal and if she doesn’t come around you know how to find us.. ha ha just playin!

 
MsZombie says:

Really I believe there is nothing wrong with masturbation or how much you do it as long as it is not fucking up your day. If you are board, lonely and horny a lot then go for it buddy. However, if you have a willing partner and you got shit to do, then maybe you need to prioritize. Who knows you might just have a lot of stress as well, and blowing one is great to feel better, even if it is for a quick sec.

LadyLove says:

I agree with MsZombie. I don’t see a problem with masturbation unless it’s getting in the way of your day to day life. We did a survey and 66% of men masturbate anywhere from 0-2 times per day. 33% masturbate from 3-5 times per day. If you’re exceeding 5 times a day you need to quit your job and pursue a career in the porn industry. Tell them LadyLove sent you. My cut is only 15%.

In an attempt to cover the basics and lay the foundation to our work here at HappyHumper.com, I’m embarking on the most painfully simple, yet totally loaded process of explaining one of the most googled question out there: How to have sex.

Please keep in mind that as a lady of love I have performed the act of sexual intercourse too many times to count, but what I’m giving you in this series will be MY take on how to prepare, perform, and finish the act of having sex. Of course my faithful Humper’s, everyone has their own way of doing things so be open to new experiences and advice.

Part One: How to Prepare

Here are a few things you’ll need to help you get started:

A playmate: by this I mean a girl with whom you wish to have sex with and she mutually agrees to do the same with you. This always helps.

A location:find yourselves a nice quiet place where you can have sex and not get caught with your pants down. This would help. Later when you’re more experienced we’ll talk about how to have sex in public places and the like. Patience apprentice.

A box of condoms: I’m about to get serious here so I apologize ahead of time. If you are worried about not getting as much pleasure out of wearing a condom I’m sorry, there’s no way around it. There are more expensive condoms out there that promote better sensation then others, do your research and if they’re more expensive spend the extra $$$. STD’s are very serious and all too real. Protect yourself, protect those you have sex with, and stop the spread. Wrap it up each and every time or I’ll hunt you down and cut it off. The right to have unprotected sex goes only to those in a mature, monogamous relationship. And even then it should be done AFTER you both get tested and you still need a way to protect yourself from pregnancy. If you wish to be promiscuous and still refuse to wrap it up, you should be fixed… and by fixed I mean you should have your member removed until you grow up and then you can have it back. Sorry to get bitchy about this but it’s not to be taken lightly. You could ruin someone’s life or your own just by having sex. Think about if it’s worth it. Wrap it up so Ladylove doesn’t have to find you and let out her inner Jacqueline the Ripper. Also what definitely fucking helps is bringing your own. It’s your penis so you bring the condoms. Don’t expect the lady to buy them.

A bottle of lube:I say just have it for backup. If you’re taking notes on this post you’ve probably not had much experience and believe me, that’s okay. That’s why I’m writing it. But what I’m trying to get at is that you may not exactly get her as wet as she could be THIS time around… keep reading HappyHumper.com and I’m sure you’ll be an expert in no time. Either way, buy a bottle and keep it as backup. If you want to really come out on top buy a flavored (BUT NOT WARMING) lubricant. Warming can have potential side effects so play it safe. Also, another trick is to rub a very small amount of flavored lube on your meat and potatoes beforehand. This way, it’ll most likely soak in and leave a sweet, sugary flavor behind for her enjoyment if she’s inclined to give you head. Remember though, just a pea size or else it’ll just seem like you walk around with a slimy penis… and we all know the slimy bird never catches the worm (what??), ok well, what I’m trying to say is a slimy penis won’t help you get some at all.

Bonus points: Create the mood if you can. Have sexy music in the background (for more info about that read our post: Sex Soundtracks), light some candles, turn the lights off… you get my drift. She’ll eat it up, not to mention it’ll boost her confidence a little to know you’ve gone out of your way AND she can cover up anything on her body she may not be comfortable with you seeing. Benefits to you are equally important. If you’re at all self conscious over penis size, a beer gut, hairy ass, double chin (I dunno what guys worry about)… this will without a doubt help!

Extra Bonus Points:Good hygiene. Shit, Shower, Shave… manscape! Trim the boys but don’t shave them or the shaft of your penis or else you’ll be really, REALLY sorry when that shit grows back in. Just keep it manicured, it’ll make you appear to have a larger cock as well as be easier for her to handle. No one likes to pull pubes out of their mouth while they’re trying to givehead. Also, shave your stubble. If you have a beard or whatever, fine. Keep it. Just shave the stubble as that hurts and doesn’t make for good kissing on either set of lips she owns… you guessed it, this monumentally helps.

Extra, Extra Bonus Points:If you’re the type who can get hard relatively easy, masturbate while you’re in the shower before your date. Popping one off quickly may help you to last longer during the act but don’t do it if it’ll inhibit your little Humper from wanting to come out and play with your new friend. Yes it helps.

Side note if I may: Please, if you love your LadyLove you’ll do this one, very small little favor for me. Stay the hell away from garlic, curry, onions (red ones!), cigarettes (unless she smokes), or anything of the like. Just because you like the taste of it going down DOESN’T mean she’ll like tasting it as it emanates from your stomach. Please don’t take this the wrong way but men tend to radiate smells more than women do so keep this in mind when you order dinner. Even if you brush your grill after kissing a few times, whatever stank-ass meal you had will start to resurface once the minty freshness is gone from the brushing. Just FYI.

At this point I’m going to open the floor to all our Humper’s out there. If you’ve found anything in particular that works best for you please comment below.

Keep in mind this article only goes through how to prepare for sex, save the juicy stuff for Part 2: Performing Sex. In the meantime, let other Humper’s in on your secrets and I’ll just have to love you forever.

Stay tuned for more

 Ms. Zombie says:

To me I believe this should be talked about on day one. A good way to see what she likes and to gauge what you can tell her at first would be ask her. Does she likes scratching or hair pulling? Ask her about things she has done. A question that came up a lot between Mr. Zombie and I when we first started was what were the craziest things sexually that we had done and what were some things you were ashamed of liking. This way it helps both of you open up. When you have that extra connection emotionally the sexual connection believe it or not will be stronger as well.
Madam Cougalicious says:

Hey Val… dating a few weeks and you want to get freaky?  Maybe you should have your brake pads checked.  Slow down and ask yourself if you have the basics down first before you go freaky.  Are you sure you have rocked her world in the missionary position?  Has she had the big “O” yet?  I would ask her that before you ask her to get freaky.   And yes, women fake orgasm so that they do not hurt your feelings.

ladylove says:

This totally depends on the level of freakiness! If you just want to play with her asshole I think you should test the waters and do it the next time you are together sexually. But if you want to pee in her mouth, well then, you need to be the first one to open wide and talk about it. If you’re really tweaked out about starting this kind of conversation out of the blue then play a little game. One night, refuse to come over to her house to give it to her, instead tell her you want her to masturbate while you give her phone sex. During the sexual conversation start telling her all the things you want to do with her. Guaranteed you’ll get your answer. If she gets off at your freakiness, high five!

Just remember that if you don’t eventually open up in some way to your sexual partner then you’re not fulfilling your needs and eventually you’ll be looking elsewhere. Bring it up and if it scares her away or she’s unwilling to try, then she’s not the girl for you… I don’t care if she looks like Jenna Jameson, move on because by not bringing it up you’re denying yourself and prolonging the inevitable. Us freaks need to stick together!