Here’s the skinny…

When in doubt two very easy things will kick start your dirty dish and get you feeling completely comfortable speaking during sexy time:

1. 1. Tell her how beautiful she is
2. 2. Tell her how good it feels

Easy right? As you know girls need constant reinforcement. I PROMISE you will get the most out of your woman if you are constantly stroking her ego. If this doesn’t work come back and tell me!

If you’re one of our lady readers:

Worried about saying the wrong thing or something that won’t turn him on? You’re not the only one. Ready for the best part? We have the easy job! A quick fix to silent sex…

1. Sigh and moan, mama! Mix it up with a little “yes” or “oh God” “that’s it” and he’s all over it. Men are easy in that way. The more you give him or show him you’re enjoying it, the more (for lack of better terms) cocky he’ll feel and the better he’ll do it.
2. Throw the ball in his court. An easy “talk dirty to me” might inspire him to speak up if he’s been holding back. If he’s a tad bashful you can always use leading questions that are really easy like “do you like that baby?” “does that feel good” which are both good standbys.

Alrighty Humper and Humpettes out there, I sure hope I’ve given you a little more to work with. When you feel comfortable here is the complete How to Talk Dirty article that can help improve your sex life. Until then, HAPPY HUMPING!!!

Top 10 list of what she’s begging you to do and why/how:

 10. Dirty Talk – learn it, love it. Without it, you’re dead in the water… Here’s how to do it: How to Dirty Talk

9. Do naughty things in public – NOT saying you have to go all the way, but while at a friend’s dinner party pull her into a back hallway and make out. Make sure you let her know “yup, can’t have this til you get home”

8. Smack her ass – don’t make her call ya Daddy, but when you’re getting hot and heavy give her a good open handed smack on the ass. One of the best things to do with spanking is after you do it, thrust harder… believe me she’ll get to like a good spanking soon enough!

7. Rough her up during sex – We’re not talking about beating her silly, we’re talking about throwing her up against the wall during sex. Pick her up, take her around the house and fuck her in uncomfortable places. Also, place her body yourself. During sex put her in the positions you want. Don’t wait for her to move, grab her ankles and make it happen.

6. Take what you want – while she’s on the phone or in the middle of doing laundry, sneak up behind her and start undressing her. Another good one is while she’s driving reach over and begin playing with her. Going up her skirt or down her pants without her permission (even better if she resists a little) is hot as hell… as is desiring her so much that you’ll take her anywhere at anytime (Hot midnight sex). I should clarify here that I’m talking about someone who has, and is still having, consensual sex with you… I’m not telling you to take what you want from someone who doesn’t want you. Just thought I should throw that in there.

5. Pull her hair – afraid to grab those locks? Here’s how to do it: How to pull her hair and make her like it. Pulling her hair can add soooo much to a sexual experience please try this one fo sho!

4. Play with her asshole – the asshole is a ‘taboo’ place. Graze it, lick it, tickle it, rub your dick around it or stick a finger in it, whatever you feel comfortable doing, just don’t ignore this incredible passion spot. Just the idea of you touching it could be a turn on to her if she’s never been touched there before.

3. Hold her down – during sex put her arms behind her head and hold them there. Make sure your grip is hard enough to be dominating but not hurtful. You could also experiment with bondage if you feel comfortable (Bondage) just remember to use your safeword and take it easy first time around. Again, just for the psycho’s out there I’ll explain that this should be done with someone who is having consensual sex with you.

2. Tease – don’t always give it up, desire is a wonderful thing. Don’t always give her what she wants right away, tease her. If she says she wants your cock inside her, do everything but. When she’s ready to explode give it to her. If she says she wants to suck your cock pull her hair so she can’t quite get her lips around it. You catch my drift. Just don’t drag it out, give in eventually.

1. Dominate – either while kissing or making love, slide your hand around her neck and gently hold her. Squeeze gently, we’re not talking about erotic asphyxiation here (although some people dig that) I’m just talking about a heavy hand to dominate her.  The neck signifies slavery, enslave her for that evening and see where things go.

Now that you’re a badass in bed, hope you do some damn fine HappyHumping!

If you don’t think dirty talk is important during sex you are seriously missing out. It’s simply one of the best ways to increase both your libidos and improve sex in and out of the bedroom. Learn the language of dirty talk today; go on to have phenomenal sex tomorrow. If you can master this secret language you could easily move to sex god status. Actually, it’s not really a secret. It’s not really a language either, but it is a skill you’ll want to know and reading this article will provide the basics for you (hopefully).

In my experience, I’m amazed at how many guys either don’t talk during sex at all, or attempt dirty talk and fail miserably. Talking dirty to your gal is one of the easiest ways to get her turned on and assists in getting her off faster and easier. Alls ya gotsta do now is learn the lingo.

In my attempt to teach you the basics, I’ll first give you the run down on the “what NOT to do’s.” Unfortunately, guys who try without having a little tutoring first might receive a grade for effort, but most often flunk so pay attention…

Things that may flunk you easily:

NOT talking dirty – your girl may not ask you for it, but no doubt what gets her hot is a little naughty talk. If you want to increase her chances of having an orgasm learn the lingo and use it! Find what works best for the two of you; don’t use some cheeseball porn phrases please.

NOT using the right volume – I know it sounds lame, but I’ve had guys who tried to talk dirty and it may have worked in improving their performance in bed… if I could have heard him. Nothing breaks the mood more than having to ask “What?” Make sure you’re speaking loudly enough for your gal to hear but not to disrupt the neighborhood. Unless that’s your thing.

NOT consistently talking dirty – I find that most guys get lost in their own head when having sex. Maybe they’re thinking of the last night’s Lakers game so they don’t blow premature, but that aside, if you start talking dirty BEWARE she’s gonna like it and want you to continue. Don’t say one or two things and then stop.

NOT saying the right things – This is a big one and it’s totally subjective so I’ve included some helpful phrases below. Of course your lady is completely different and may like it when you slap her and call her a whore, but I haven’t included those types. Also, be sure you’re in tune to what she wants. Stay away from the same phrases over and over. Mix it up a bit and use your imagination… we all know you Humpers out there have them.

Ok, so the thought of talking dirty to your girl probably excites you, but what if you’re afraid to sound like a ‘tard in the process. Have no fear. There is a very simple equation when it comes to dishin’ the dirty talk. Note* aside from the first tip, the others are not in any particular order of importance.

First and most importantly, remember it’s all about her. Her vajayjay comes before your dingdong and you HAVE to make her feel that way. The best performance you’ll get from a woman is if you make her feel desired, lusted after, and absolutely irresistible. In other words, when you’re talking dirty talk about her. Talk about what you want to do to her, what you’ve been thinking about doing to her, what you’re going to do to her, what you want her to do to you, and how she feels doing what she’s doing. Easy right?

Second, ask her yes or no questions, or questions that require short answers. Unless you’re in a long distance relationship, do not ask her for an all out thesis on what she wants to do with your cock. Not necessary. Dirty talk is passionate and spontaneous; let’s not make it more complicated than it needs to be.

Three, be prepared to take the reins. Unless she’s a dirty talk diva, you lead! You are the one who’s going to initiate and carry the two of you through the climax. She may chime in and get just as naughty as you, which would be awesome, but in case she doesn’t just be prepared.

Four, you are turning her on and working her toward a climax, your dirty talk should mirror that as well. Start out with some soft talk (not to be confused with soft volume) and as she’s getting ready to blow make sure you get more and more perverted and/or demanding. Or, you could be really pervy in the beginning to get her going and as the climax comes closer, use more gentle phrases. Whatever works.

Five, listen to what she wants and do it or say it. If she says over brunch one day that her fantasy has always been to get fucked in the bathroom of McDonalds, make sure the next time you two are intimate you talk about what you’ll be doing to her once you get her in the stall at MickyD’s… “First I’m gonna buy some fries then I’m gonna shove them…” just kidding. Or, if she tells you she likes a dominating man consider it permission to be taking the lead. Dominate that shit by making sure your naughty talk follows suit.

Six, don’t assume right off the bat she’s a bonafide pervert like you and the rest of us Humpettes. Alls I’m saying is don’t freak her out right away with the “I wanna rape your little asshole.” Work her into it, k? Also deep, sensual, pervy dirty talk is not what you do on the first rompin’. There are two types of dirty dish. The generic (some things you say to someone you don’t know too well) and the deep dish (to someone you can be as much as a pervert as you want to because you know just what turns them on).

Seven, unless she’s into it, please do not refer to your member as some sort of food object. I only include it because it’s happened. Women do not want to hear you refer to your lil man as a bratwurst or Vienna sausage (I shit you not it’s happened). Unless she’s in Ripley’s Believe It Or Not museum for worlds most obese woman, I’m willing to bet food isn’t turning her on. I’m gonna just end on that note.

A great tip: you may already know from some of my other articles that a GRAND idea is to call or text your gal while she’s away and dish some dirty talk. Doing this while she’s at work or off to buy groceries is a fun way to keep up the momentum of your sex life.

Ok, so the moment you’ve all been waiting for (drum roll please)………………………

After sifting through countless dirty talk websites and books, I found some really great phrases that are easy to remember, generic, and really hot:

Do you like the way that feels?

Use your mouth on me.

You’re so damn gorgeous.

I’m going to control you tonight.

Tell me what you want.

Just lie back and let me make you cum.

You like that, don’t you? You like it when your man fucks you?

I adore how naughty you are.

You taste so good.

Come over here and ride me hard.

No one has ever made me come as hard as you can.

You make me so damn horny, baby!

I want to feel those sweet lips all over me.

Fuck me, right now.

I’m going to lick you and suck you until you cum for me.

Do that some more.

Should I tie you up and make you take it, or are you going to be good?

Don’t you dare come until I say you can.

I’m not finished with you yet

You want this cock inside you?

Do you like the way I fuck you, baby?

I want your pussy all over me

It’s all yours.

I want to watch you touch yourself

I want you to come in my mouth.

You want to feel me come? Touch me right there –

How do I taste?

I love the way you taste.

Better be careful…if you don’t do what I tell you, I might stop.

I’m going to make you come until it hurts.

I like it when you spread your legs and take me in?

Do you want more?

Can you come again? I want some more.

Don’t cum, I’m not finished with you yet.

You want it harder, baby?

Tell me you want me to fuck you.

 Tell me you love my fucking cock

There are a  ton of combinations you could use, just have fun and experiment. On a last note, when things start getting really pervy you may just want to remind your lady that what you say in bed doesn’t reflect how you think of her as a person. Just in case. Alright, I think my job is done here… HappyHumping!

*final note* Something was brought to my attention the other day and it’s totally worth mentioning. Anything including “I want to make you come” may put too much pressure on the situation. Solution to this: use those types of phrases with someone you know how to make come like a longtime girlfriend or fuck buddy. If it is someone you’ve just met or only experienced in bed a few times you may not want to say things like that.

“How do you get your lady in the mood – especially in a long term relationship?” (Xander, 29)

LadyLove says:

I find that simple things will do it. Although we act like complicated creatures, we’re really not. Simple things like calling your lady at work and talking dirty to her, or telling her how much you want her will guarantee a good night of romping. It’s always best if you boost her self esteem… stroking her ego will definitely get her in the mood.

If you’re looking for something specific here’s an idea. Spend time and money on her. I know it sounds materialistic and I’m not by any means saying you have to spend money on her to get you some, but I’m just throwing a ‘for example’ out there. A good way to soften her up and rekindle some sexy time is to ask her out on a date. Once she accepts your invitation tell her you’re going to take her shopping for a dress and shoes to wear on the date. This is a very cute touch and a nice way to make her feel good about herself. DONT just give her your Visa ok. Physically go with her and make a fuss when she comes out of the dressing room. I’ve had feedback from a few Humper’s out there and they were surprised how much fun they had playing dress-up with their gal pals.

If you want something a little more interesting, another idea is going lingerie shopping together or even sex toy shopping.

If money is tight, or you’re a tightwad, here are a few more ideas: Cook for her and set up a picnic on the floor in a tiny corner of the house with a few candles lit, take her to the beach at night for a moonlight make out session, or when she gets home offer her a foot massage and slowly work your way into a full-body-with-a-happy-ending massage

A little attention goes a long way with women and will put her in the mood to get it on. Feel lucky, in a long term relationship you have the advantage of knowing your woman in and out, which means you can cut loose enjoy her without worrying if she has an ulterior motive.

Ms.Zombie says:

This is always going to be an ongoing question in a relationship. I noticed the longer I am in mine, the more romantic things seem to get me in the mood. Like getting n back rub or a bubble bath. However on the same token, it turns me on when he picks me up and slams me into the wall of the parking lot to make out with me.
 
When you are in a long relationship I think the key to turning her on is to do something you haven’t done in a while, and by “in a while” I mean something you would have done within the first two months of you dating. Sometimes you just get into the habit of having plain sex at the same time on the same days. I guarantee if you show her random things you did, whether it be sexual or not, she will be the one ripping your clothes off.