This Chap knows how to do it!!

I dont think there is anything hotter during sex than a guy fully grabbing onto your hips and taking control. I don’t mean hands just laying on the hips, but full on grabbing. If she has thicker thighs then you will get a good handful. It is not only sexy while she is on top of you, but it is even sexier when you are on top of her and take control by doing this. Sex is a battle for control, or atleast it should be sometimes. She be certain to cum from you randomly doing this and fucking the shit out of her.

MsZombie says:

It depends on the time of day. Early morning sex I am good to go. Night or afternoon sex I sometimes like to take a nap after. Also if there is a temping offer and I’m tired, I’ll fucking stay up for it.

LadyLove says:

Every lady is different. Women can most often cum a few times and continue going but some ladies can only cum once or twice (if that). Pay attention to your lady and if she wants more you give it and you give it good… lol. Just so long as you don’t curl up with a blankey before you’ve pleased your ladyfriend. Remember, penis is second to pussy… cuz we said so!

If you don’t think dirty talk is important during sex you are seriously missing out. It’s simply one of the best ways to increase both your libidos and improve sex in and out of the bedroom. Learn the language of dirty talk today; go on to have phenomenal sex tomorrow. If you can master this secret language you could easily move to sex god status. Actually, it’s not really a secret. It’s not really a language either, but it is a skill you’ll want to know and reading this article will provide the basics for you (hopefully).

In my experience, I’m amazed at how many guys either don’t talk during sex at all, or attempt dirty talk and fail miserably. Talking dirty to your gal is one of the easiest ways to get her turned on and assists in getting her off faster and easier. Alls ya gotsta do now is learn the lingo.

In my attempt to teach you the basics, I’ll first give you the run down on the “what NOT to do’s.” Unfortunately, guys who try without having a little tutoring first might receive a grade for effort, but most often flunk so pay attention…

Things that may flunk you easily:

NOT talking dirty – your girl may not ask you for it, but no doubt what gets her hot is a little naughty talk. If you want to increase her chances of having an orgasm learn the lingo and use it! Find what works best for the two of you; don’t use some cheeseball porn phrases please.

NOT using the right volume – I know it sounds lame, but I’ve had guys who tried to talk dirty and it may have worked in improving their performance in bed… if I could have heard him. Nothing breaks the mood more than having to ask “What?” Make sure you’re speaking loudly enough for your gal to hear but not to disrupt the neighborhood. Unless that’s your thing.

NOT consistently talking dirty – I find that most guys get lost in their own head when having sex. Maybe they’re thinking of the last night’s Lakers game so they don’t blow premature, but that aside, if you start talking dirty BEWARE she’s gonna like it and want you to continue. Don’t say one or two things and then stop.

NOT saying the right things – This is a big one and it’s totally subjective so I’ve included some helpful phrases below. Of course your lady is completely different and may like it when you slap her and call her a whore, but I haven’t included those types. Also, be sure you’re in tune to what she wants. Stay away from the same phrases over and over. Mix it up a bit and use your imagination… we all know you Humpers out there have them.

Ok, so the thought of talking dirty to your girl probably excites you, but what if you’re afraid to sound like a ‘tard in the process. Have no fear. There is a very simple equation when it comes to dishin’ the dirty talk. Note* aside from the first tip, the others are not in any particular order of importance.

First and most importantly, remember it’s all about her. Her vajayjay comes before your dingdong and you HAVE to make her feel that way. The best performance you’ll get from a woman is if you make her feel desired, lusted after, and absolutely irresistible. In other words, when you’re talking dirty talk about her. Talk about what you want to do to her, what you’ve been thinking about doing to her, what you’re going to do to her, what you want her to do to you, and how she feels doing what she’s doing. Easy right?

Second, ask her yes or no questions, or questions that require short answers. Unless you’re in a long distance relationship, do not ask her for an all out thesis on what she wants to do with your cock. Not necessary. Dirty talk is passionate and spontaneous; let’s not make it more complicated than it needs to be.

Three, be prepared to take the reins. Unless she’s a dirty talk diva, you lead! You are the one who’s going to initiate and carry the two of you through the climax. She may chime in and get just as naughty as you, which would be awesome, but in case she doesn’t just be prepared.

Four, you are turning her on and working her toward a climax, your dirty talk should mirror that as well. Start out with some soft talk (not to be confused with soft volume) and as she’s getting ready to blow make sure you get more and more perverted and/or demanding. Or, you could be really pervy in the beginning to get her going and as the climax comes closer, use more gentle phrases. Whatever works.

Five, listen to what she wants and do it or say it. If she says over brunch one day that her fantasy has always been to get fucked in the bathroom of McDonalds, make sure the next time you two are intimate you talk about what you’ll be doing to her once you get her in the stall at MickyD’s… “First I’m gonna buy some fries then I’m gonna shove them…” just kidding. Or, if she tells you she likes a dominating man consider it permission to be taking the lead. Dominate that shit by making sure your naughty talk follows suit.

Six, don’t assume right off the bat she’s a bonafide pervert like you and the rest of us Humpettes. Alls I’m saying is don’t freak her out right away with the “I wanna rape your little asshole.” Work her into it, k? Also deep, sensual, pervy dirty talk is not what you do on the first rompin’. There are two types of dirty dish. The generic (some things you say to someone you don’t know too well) and the deep dish (to someone you can be as much as a pervert as you want to because you know just what turns them on).

Seven, unless she’s into it, please do not refer to your member as some sort of food object. I only include it because it’s happened. Women do not want to hear you refer to your lil man as a bratwurst or Vienna sausage (I shit you not it’s happened). Unless she’s in Ripley’s Believe It Or Not museum for worlds most obese woman, I’m willing to bet food isn’t turning her on. I’m gonna just end on that note.

A great tip: you may already know from some of my other articles that a GRAND idea is to call or text your gal while she’s away and dish some dirty talk. Doing this while she’s at work or off to buy groceries is a fun way to keep up the momentum of your sex life.

Ok, so the moment you’ve all been waiting for (drum roll please)………………………

After sifting through countless dirty talk websites and books, I found some really great phrases that are easy to remember, generic, and really hot:

Do you like the way that feels?

Use your mouth on me.

You’re so damn gorgeous.

I’m going to control you tonight.

Tell me what you want.

Just lie back and let me make you cum.

You like that, don’t you? You like it when your man fucks you?

I adore how naughty you are.

You taste so good.

Come over here and ride me hard.

No one has ever made me come as hard as you can.

You make me so damn horny, baby!

I want to feel those sweet lips all over me.

Fuck me, right now.

I’m going to lick you and suck you until you cum for me.

Do that some more.

Should I tie you up and make you take it, or are you going to be good?

Don’t you dare come until I say you can.

I’m not finished with you yet

You want this cock inside you?

Do you like the way I fuck you, baby?

I want your pussy all over me

It’s all yours.

I want to watch you touch yourself

I want you to come in my mouth.

You want to feel me come? Touch me right there –

How do I taste?

I love the way you taste.

Better be careful…if you don’t do what I tell you, I might stop.

I’m going to make you come until it hurts.

I like it when you spread your legs and take me in?

Do you want more?

Can you come again? I want some more.

Don’t cum, I’m not finished with you yet.

You want it harder, baby?

Tell me you want me to fuck you.

 Tell me you love my fucking cock

There are a  ton of combinations you could use, just have fun and experiment. On a last note, when things start getting really pervy you may just want to remind your lady that what you say in bed doesn’t reflect how you think of her as a person. Just in case. Alright, I think my job is done here… HappyHumping!

*final note* Something was brought to my attention the other day and it’s totally worth mentioning. Anything including “I want to make you come” may put too much pressure on the situation. Solution to this: use those types of phrases with someone you know how to make come like a longtime girlfriend or fuck buddy. If it is someone you’ve just met or only experienced in bed a few times you may not want to say things like that.

MsZombie says:

Normally the cock head swells up and the shaft plumps up as well right before and as you guys cum. Which feels really good. I don’t know though about the feeling the jizz coming out. I never felt anything like that. The only way I could think that you would is if he had a water sprinkler inside his balls. But what are the odds of that?

LadyLove says:

Well, some women are more sensitive to it and swear they feel it… it could definitely be psychological. I have never felt it, but all women are different. Actually, I suppose it’s possible because women go through hormonal changes throughout the month which would leave them more sensitive at times. So it is possible for the same woman to claim she feels it one night and not the other. Not to mention, sometimes men get off harder than others. Sometimes it squirts out like Mount Vesuvius and sometimes it dribbles. I think this calls for an experiment….

LadyLove says:

Hey Bobby, sorry to hear about your troubles. I’ve been researching quite a bit and after sorting through a bunch of psychological shit, found this pretty helpful. Supposedly taking dutasteride or finasteride will help your little (or big, i dunno) problem. Talk to your doctor about the meds and see what he/she says. If the pills are a dead end here are some solutions Humpette style.

First off, find a chick that likes to give head. Some women like pre-cum or better yet, love the taste of cum. I suggest reading some of our articles on how to make your semen taste good as there is a pilland plenty of foods that may sweeten your flavor. Perhaps if it tasted better your chick wouldn’t mind. Just be sure you’re protecting yourself during sex as pre-cum could contain some of your little swimmers.

Second, if I were in a relationship with you and cared for you I’d start looking at some of the benefits of pre-cum. The best one uh, hello!! Hand jobs!! Instant and organic (he he) lube. If she doesn’t like to give head have her dig up some phenomenal moves for handjobs. If done right those could be just as satisfying. Also, she could pay attention to your boys with her mouth while she’s doing some magic with your shaft by hand.

Thirdly, sex toys! If you have a lot of organic lube going on you could try things out like the fleshlight. This gives you both a chance to play.

If homegirl don’t have the imagination kick her to the curb. Plenty of imaginative, pre-cum lovers in the sea, my friend. 

Madam Cougalicious says:

You are not in this alone…. This is not a serious problem and apparently, it happens to 40% of the male population. Please visit this website for helpful information (http://www.ejaculationtrainer.com/index2.html). As for how women feel about pre-cum, that is a matter of taste. Most women do not enjoy giving oral for fear of ejaculation. When asked why? Most said because it tastes awful. Our website has some helpful hints on foods and juices that will make it taste better. However, all you can do is hope she develops a taste for it. Age and lack of experience is sometimes a factor. Do you encourage her and tell her how awesome she gives head?

MsZombie Says:

I can understand that some things just don’t get people off. For me pre-cum was never an issue. It is a great tool to help get things going. As for too much pre-cum, I have never had this happen, or at least I never realized the amount of pre-cum that was coming out. It is normally a compliment and means that I am doing something right and he is getting turned on.

Both LadyLove and Madam Cougalicious have awesome points on how to control it,  but I’ve got to raise an eye brow about why she doesn’t like it. Have you asked her specifically why she doesn’t like your pre-cum? Is it texture or is it taste?

 What is your diet like? Do you drink a lot of coffee and eat fast food? It could be that your diet is the reason she does not like it. I know I am answering a question with questions, but everyone is different and unless you open the communication completely, then you will never know how to make it better. Ask her if the taste is ok, maybe all you need to do is drink a glass of pineapple juice a day and she will be fine with it.  Not only does your diet change the taste, as we all know by now, but also the texture of it. Mr. Zombie noticed when he changed his, that his man juice became smoother and flowed better as well. Click here to check out this article that was written about cum and how to manipulate the taste of it.

Another fun thing is flavored lube. I know you would say “Why use lube to get head? Her mouth is already wet.” Well my friend, it tastes good and makes you cock taste somewhat like a lollipop. My favorite is Strawberry Kiwi from Wet. They also have a ton of other flavors in case you don’t want to do that one.

Oh and if you sleep with boxers and have a woody, your pre-spunk won’t go onto the sheets and might save some laundry money.

One more thing if nothing else fails, do what Austin Powers tried and think of Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day. That should get you pretty limp fast. (Sorry I had to.)

Madam Cougalicious says:

Sorry to say that you are your own worst enemy.  You are causing yourself to go limp by putting too much pressure on yourself to perform.  Get your head (and I mean the one on your shoulders) out of your pants and let the one in your pants handle intimacy.  ED does not come and go.  I know this for a fact as I dated someone with ED for over three years.  If you have doubts, checkout WebMD.com for a quiz on ED.

MsZombie says:

         Ok so what I think it’s performance anxiety (which btw is part of ED), and it is not the worst thing in the world to have. A lot of guys actually get this, just most won’t admit. Hell even girls sometimes get it too but we don’t have a cock so it doesn’t show.

 Let’s think about this: Right before first time sex what is going through your head? Is it sexy thoughts or are you scared you might not live up to her past partners? Are you thinking about fucking or rejection? A lot of times this is the key factor in performance anxiety, hence the word anxiety. Fear can cause a lot of problems, including sex.

  Another thing that might be on your mind is the final goal. Sometimes you guys are so gun ho for cumming that it stresses you out and then your little buddy goes limp. Instead of focusing on busting a load, focus more on what is going on. Think more on how good and tight her pussy feels, and how great her tits look bouncing around instead of trying to get yourself to cum.

 Now there is no cure for this really, most doctors just help you refocus your attention to where it should be. You could also try more extreme methods like hypnosis, but that isn’t proven either. My biggest advice is relax. You don’t have to be an all star in bed your first time, just have fun. Trust me; most women know sex is not going to be the best first thing around.

LadyLove says:

Dear, dear Aaron. It’s all in your head buddy. I’m sorry to say that you are in control at this point. My advice to you is that you may want to try a Viagra, or one of the newer drugs, to get you past those first few nights. After that you’re golden, right? Don’t stress it anymore, not when there are drugs out there to help. You’re putting too much pressure on yourself. Women go through this too, but like MsZombie says, you can’t tell because we’re dickless. We experience by not being able to get wet or get off. Often times, sex then becomes painful can cause many other problems. So we can totally relate. Don’t forget to read some of our other articles on first time sex, or how to have sex, to give yourself the extra confidence. Also, trim your boys up real nice and give yourself more confidence.

A lot of times people call voyeurism a disorder, however most people have done this. Think of your favorite porn, or that time you jacked off cause you heard your roommate having sex. Voyeurism is fine in small amounts, just don’t be installing cameras in the women’s bathroom, or pulling a Porky’s moment.

A healthy way is mutual masturbation. Ask your chick to play with herself in front of you. Hell even let her use a toy. Point is, I bet you’ll be so hot watching her it will be hard to control yourself. This also is great for two other reasons. First, this is great foreplay so her pussy will be ready for you. Second, and most importantly, if you pay attention you can see what she likes and then you can do the same thing to her later down the line.

Ok Humpers, this is a good one! It does take a little coordinating but if you two can get in the right groove you’ll really enjoy it. This is also a great time to indulge in both of your assholes! Humpers, if you guide her ass up and down on your cock and finger her ass she’ll be in heaven. Let her try to massage your prostate too and see how hard you cum!!

Let us know how it worked!! HappyHumping!

This question always springs up when talking to men about sex. My question is, how could we be a site about humping without bringing it up?

 The truth is yes, yes it does, but not necessarily the way you think. The following is my take on size (plus a few outside sources)…

Size matters for different pleasures.

Let me start by pointing out the fact that the ‘average’ dick size is 5.2 inches. That being said, lets continue…

I want to start with anal sex, not just because its the first letter of the alphabet. Anal sex, for example, needs to be done with a larger penis. Most women who haven’t had anal sex, or only had it with smaller dick may disagree.

It makes perfect sense to think that a smaller cock in the ass would be more comfortable. Well, no, its not. Small cocks in the ass just feel like a little turd you want to squeeze out. Sorry for the horrible mental picture but it’s really quite uncomfortable. A larger cock actually gives a woman better anal sex, reaching and stroking her spots (yes, plural) inside her vagina through that thin wall that separates it from the rectum.

Not to say that our Humpers out there with normal to small cocks can’t rock it in the anal sex arena, I’m just stating that this is one spot where size does tend to matter, not talking about skill here, just pure size. Argue amongst yourselves.

Next is for vaginal sex… size matters yet again. Interestingly enough it seems that most women are more comfortable with a smaller cock. Here are some of the more common reasons:

1. The most straight forward reason is that one of the easiest spots on a woman is located near the opening of the vagina. The g-spot. With a smaller cock, this particular spot is hit more times by the head of the penis. Thus, more orgasms. HooAHH! If you are lost when it cums to hitting the g-spot either by finger or by cock, watch this: 

2. Another, deeper reasoning is that statistically men with smaller cocks are better lovers. They have better attitudes toward sex due to their inadequacies about their size. If you really want to get into underlying issues, smaller men tend to go about sex more emotionally. They appreciate every lay they can get due to their own issues of embarrassment, humility, and modesty. They also feel they have to make up for their size in other ways, therefore they do everything and anything to make it enjoyable to their lady.

To throw it out there, statistically smaller men are also less likely to cheat.

In short, they know how to work the FUCK out of what momma gave ’em. Yes, there is the “is it in?” factor that all smaller men fear. But, women only think it if you’re not working your goods. Go in and hump her like a pooch humps a stuffed animal and all you’ll get is asked to pass the nail file from the night stand.

But getting back to it, larger men tend to go into the bedroom with the attitude that they are doing her a favor. Not to say that all men with large cocks are bad lovers, they just haven’t had to work at ensuring their next lay their whole lives. It’s been my experience that men with larger dicks don’t know how to work it at all, they jam it in and out, don’t hit a fucking spot with any kind of alphabetic letter, let alone the ‘G’, and often can’t stay hard for long. But that’s just me.

So, we’ve covered anal and vaginal, but what about oral? Oral is definitely a matter of taste. Each woman has their own preferences when it comes to sucking dick. Personally, I like them all sizes, but if the urethral opening is larger then my eye, it ain’t fitting in my mouth. So sad.

“I’ve been trying, unsuccessfully, to get my girlfriend to have anal sex for sometime. For girls who enjoy anal sex, do you let your man finish in you or have him pull out?” (David, 23)

 Ms. Zombie says:
Let’s just say every girl is different and will have their own preference and you should ask her about this. However, personally I do not care. Both have their ups and downs. If you have a condom on, it really doesn’t matter. If you are doing it without a rubber, cumming in the ass is way, way sexier but can leave a sticky mess hours down the line. Pulling out doesn’t get the full experience of the ass tightening up around your cock, but seeing your cum spread over her ass is pretty damn cool. Mr. Zombie once took a pic with his phone after and I have to admit it was hot. I repeat though, ask your chick! She knows better then me.

Lady Love says:
Definitely ask your lady. I’m not talking about sitting her down over coffee and discussing whether or not you’ll cum in her during anal. Timing is everything here. I’m talking about wait until the heat of the moment, when you’re almost ready to burst and in a hot, sexy tone ask her where she wants it. Don’t assume anything because she’s the one who’ll have to deal with the gravitational pull of your cum inside her ass, and believe me, unless she asked for it she wont be too happy. You don’t want to get on her shit list after some good anal, right?

Madam Cougalicious says:
Really?! Try something for me David, stick a cucumber up your ass and then eat it.

If you do, you’re one sick fuck.Might as well join the circus, you freak.

If you don’t or won’t, then don’t ask your lady. The thought to cross contamination comes to mind and not so much for you as for your partner. Some things are better left for gay porn.