"Excuse me ma'am, I'd like to motivate you to have sex with me!"

The 6 month rut. We’ve all experienced it.

Let me fast forward through the boring shit. You met a gal, liked her enough to have sex with, liked her sex enough to have a relationship with her, fucked like rabbits while you got to know each other and now counting sheep get more action in your bedroom than you. I hear ya. It usually happens after the honeymoon phase is over. You start to get comfortable. The initial excitement wears off and you find yourself 6 months, a year, two years into a relationship with someone you love and enjoy, but aren’t having the same fun in the sack you used to. What happened to that girl you used to have sex marathons with? Fuck if I know. I bet at this point sex in the shower’s totally not an option and you’re lucky if you get it once a week. You poor guy. Pshh, fuck that. Here’s what you do, humpette style.

CHANGE IT THE FUCK UP!

Go to the sex shop on your damn lunch break or on your day off… without her. I want you to buy a pocket rocket or something manageable and non-I’m-a-pervert style. What do I mean? Do not bring home a KINGSIZED DONG okay? Pocket rockets are great and cheap. If you are already using toys in the bed, get something that you haven’t tried or used on her. Buy some flavored lube but ask the dude behind the counter what sells the most and which is the best flavor. Next, I want you to buy a blindfold, feather, something to tie her up with and candle. Don’t forget the lighter.

I want you to brush up on your dirty talk. Don’t use the regular lingo if you guys already dish the dirty. Switch it up, get really dirty. Object of the game here is to totally surprise her and knock her ass out of the comfort zone.

Women get turned on not only by the physical stuff. The fact that you planned all this just for her (really for you too) will be a massive turn on as well. Enjoy the results. And remember that when the 6 month rut comes along, you can always find something new or different to spring on her.

Of course this starts with communication. If you’re bad at talking about sex over a plate of spaghetti, you can always do some investigative communication in the sack. I’m talking dirty talk people. I know, I know, it’s very intimidating. Trust your humpettes have that covered. We put some good articles on here about how to dish the dirty if you’re a beginner. It may or may not be your thing, and that’s totally fine, but you can use it to find out what’s workin for your lady, and what’s not.

A few examples: “Do you like that?” and “Tell me what you want.” They work great during foreplay and even sex. I suggest you try because here’s what happens. You may not need dirty talk, you may not need foreplay, you may not even need a warm body (just kidding about that last part), but you’re woman may. If you don’t know these things, then you’re needs may be met and her’s may not.

If you’re saying right now, “No big deal, what’s the problem with that?” Uh, you have big problems my friend. They may not exist

"Not right now Mr. Gargoyle, I have a headache."

 now because maybe she’s too polite to turn you down, but rest assured after the honeymoon phase is over she’s gonna start the excuses. Do you really want someone making excuses just to get out of having sex with you? I didn’t think so. Turning your woman on is as important as it gets. Making sure she’s happy, horney, and wanting more is the best thing you can do. It’s a win-win really. She wants it, you get it, and everyone’s happy.

Please don't get us wrong, it's not because we're lazy... sometimes we just like to watch

Back by popular demand: Do Women Like….

Well, this week we’ve had an overwhelming number of masturbation questions so here it is Humpers…. Do women like when you masturbate in front of them? Honestly, I don’t know a single woman who doesn’t get turned on by her man strokin his own shaft. So to answer you question….HELL-tada-YEA!

There aren’t too many secrets here guys, its a huge turn on any way ya look at it. Not only does it tease us, but also shows the more inexperienced gal just what to do (should we not be 100% sure) to pleasure you. Plus the idea of you touching yourself to the sight of us is an incredible turn on all on its own.

So, Humpers, feel free to include some masturbation in your sexy time. Here’s a tip from one of our female readers:

“I love it when a man masturbates in front of me. Especially when he does it and rubs the tip of his penis over my clit before he sticks it in.”

That’s all I got to say about that! Short n sweet!

The convo centered on dating and in it I questioned when the appropriate time to start having sex with someone was. And since I have recently entered a ‘something’ with someone who I’m quite fond of and didn’t want to screw (for lack of better terms) it up, the convo focused in on me. When answering the question above, the fair skinned beauty sitting across from me answered very matter-of-fact-ly (is factly a word.. well it is now), “That’s easy, if you don’t care about the guy then have sex with him. If you care about the guy, then don’t.”

I consider myself someone not easily jaw-dropped, but after she said it I couldn’t help but pick my jaw up off the sand (we were at the beach) and screw (for lack of better words) it back into place. Holy hell. Immediately I thought, is this what women are thinking? I better tell my boys!

To me it seems a little ass-backward but as a Lady of Love I prefer to wait and make sure the fella is worth the emotional attachment that comes along with intimacy. But no where in the book of LadyLove would it ever happen that I sleep with someone I don’t care about. That’s just weird. There are those out there and I’m not judging I’m just simply pointing out the way women think these days. Fortunately/Unfortunately (I don’t know which) most women don’t think the same way… apparently. So, next time you bring a girl home from the bar, just keep that in mind. If she sleeps with you she doesn’t give a shit. If she doesn’t, she may be something you want to hold onto. Just sayin’.

This lady sure as hell don't like precum!

This is the first of many new articles written by your Humpettes on what women like. Feel free ladies out there reading the site, comment as you will. We are giving you our perspective but keep in mind all women are different…

So, having said all that, do women like precum?

I have to say yes and no….

Ok, there’s two parts to this one (maybe three).

I will venture to say that MOST of the women who LIKE precum like it because they enjoy sex, they enjoy you, and they know what they’re doing.

Personally, I like precum because of a few reasons.

-It’s an indicator that you’re turned on and I’m doing a good job

-It’s a nice lubricant for oral sex, hand jobs, and sex (note here that a gal can get prego from precum so if you’re not protecting yourself via birth control I wouldn’t recommend intercourse).

-It most often doesn’t taste like anything and you can play with it in lots of different ways.

It’s not all on the women though, a big factor in whether or not women will enjoy YOUR precum depends on whether or not it tastes good. The only time I don’t like precum is if it smells, tastes foul, or is really, really thick. Some men have thick precum when they drink a lot of alcohol, do drugs, or eat a lot of protein. Genetics do play a part here, some men are just engineered that way. It’s not a big deal and it’s definitely within your control.  Here are a few ideas for you if you’ve been told it’s not pleasant: Precum Taste.

Which leads me to my second part. What if she DOESN’T like your precum? If she doesn’t like your precum do the ‘test’ and make sure it’s not funky. Smell it, feel the consistency, and (ready for this) do the taste test. Alter your diet a tad then try her again. If it’s not your stanky precum that’s the problem you may find that some girls just plain ol don’t like precum. They don’t like to get sticky, they’re not all that adventurous in bed, and you may have to pester them for sex a lot of the time. It’s not that she’s a prude, she may just not be as sexually experienced as you or other girls you’ve been with.

Ok, so that brings me to yet another part of this question…

So what if you have a gal that doesn’t like your precum and it ain’t because of the taste.

Help explore her sexuality. Do things that she likes; pleasure her as much as you can. By doing this you’re turning sex into a positive, fun, and orgasmic experience for her. This may take a few months of unselfish lovins but I guarantee if you do a lot to please her she’ll want to do the same for you. It will definitely pay off. Also, if you have a chick that’s hard to warm her up, do a lot more to try to turn her on. She may need a little romantic coaxing to get her started. Do whatever it takes to make her WANT sex from you, and don’t take it personally if she doesn’t want it all the time. The worst thing you could do is give her guilt trips or complain she’s not giving you enough sex. This is the opposite of helping your sex life!

Now, once you get her liking and looking forward to sex slowly start to ask her to do things for you. “Can you put it in your mouth for just a little bit,” something like that. Use positive reinforcement to tell her how much you love what she’s doing (even if she’s not doing it exactly right). She’ll start associating your precum with the great job she’s doing and begin liking it. At least, that’s my take on it.

Women out there… feel free to give our Humpers your take on if women like precum, why or why not, and how to get them to like it.

So, here you have this hot ass chick, perfect ten, right out of your dreams… and she doesn’t know what in the world she’s doing? What do you do now???
You first have to consider whether or not it’s you. Have you been sexually active before? Have you gotten compliments in bed before? Would you consider yourself a giving lover? If you’re not a giver you automatically suck. So, are you a giving lover? Consider all these things. Have you given women orgasms before? Do you know how to work whatcha mama gave ya? If you answered yes to all these things you have to consider what comes next.
Secondly, decide if she’s worth trying to tinker with and fix. You could totally fix this, but is she THAT fantastic? Is she hot enough, likeable enough, what have you? If the answer is yes, continue reading (wow this feels like one of those interactive books where you keep making decisions and keep flipping to the pages).
Thirdly, make your action plan. Ok, so it’s not you, it’s definitely her. She fits every standard you have and the only thing about her you don’t care for is her sexy time. Now comes the communication part. If you don’t feel comfortable communicating to her straight, like over spaghetti or something, then do it in bed.

This can be done rather skillfully by way of dirty talk:

- encouraging dirty talk (ie, yes baby right there, suck harder, or keep going just like that)

- imaginative dirty talk (ie, I really want you bent over my sofa or I want you to touch yourself for me)

- or placement (reach over and put her hand on your cock or put her in the positions you want her in).

Women are not mind readers but they are smart. Teach her what you want without letting her know you’re teaching her. If she likes you, she’ll want to please you. Remember this though, the more encouraging, complimentary, and overall obsessed with her body, beauty, and performance you are… the better performance you’ll get out of her. Good lucks!

Here’s the skinny…

When in doubt two very easy things will kick start your dirty dish and get you feeling completely comfortable speaking during sexy time:

1. 1. Tell her how beautiful she is
2. 2. Tell her how good it feels

Easy right? As you know girls need constant reinforcement. I PROMISE you will get the most out of your woman if you are constantly stroking her ego. If this doesn’t work come back and tell me!

If you’re one of our lady readers:

Worried about saying the wrong thing or something that won’t turn him on? You’re not the only one. Ready for the best part? We have the easy job! A quick fix to silent sex…

1. Sigh and moan, mama! Mix it up with a little “yes” or “oh God” “that’s it” and he’s all over it. Men are easy in that way. The more you give him or show him you’re enjoying it, the more (for lack of better terms) cocky he’ll feel and the better he’ll do it.
2. Throw the ball in his court. An easy “talk dirty to me” might inspire him to speak up if he’s been holding back. If he’s a tad bashful you can always use leading questions that are really easy like “do you like that baby?” “does that feel good” which are both good standbys.

Alrighty Humper and Humpettes out there, I sure hope I’ve given you a little more to work with. When you feel comfortable here is the complete How to Talk Dirty article that can help improve your sex life. Until then, HAPPY HUMPING!!!

She is so sexy, but she will eat you for dinner as well

I was watching the movie May the other day and it hit me that psycho can sometimes come off as sexy. But why? Is it the danger that something horribly wrong could happen? Is it the part of us that wants to experience the unknown.

Either way the second thought to this is why would you want to be with someone who is completely off.

I mean don’t get me wrong I am not a sane child at all, but I know I am not totally crazy. I realized it has to be the sex. So, if you are fucking a crazy chick just let her know you are only fuck buddies, cause if she falls too much for you, you might lose you hands, and then how would you be able to jack off?

If She can make her feel special, so can you!

I’ve noticed while watching tv and going out, that drag queens know how to treat a lady and be a lady. What the fuck could I mean? Well, drag queens are very witty and bitchy but they know manners and are polite at the same time. I have gotten complements from them without coming off as sleazy, and at the same time make me feel very pretty and sexy. You don’t need to be in drag make up to do this for a girl. Next time you have time really look at the underlining behavior and speech of a drag queen and maybe you can pick up how to smoothly make a girl feel special