If She can make her feel special, so can you!

I’ve noticed while watching tv, and going out that drag queens know how to treat a lady and be a lady. What the fuck could I mean? Well, drag queens are very witty and bitchy but they know manners and are polite at the same time. I have gotten complements from them with out coming off as sleazy, and at the same time make me feel very pretty and sexy. You don’t need to be in drag make up to do this for a girl. Next time you have time really look at the underlining behavior and speech of a drag queen and maybe you can pick up how to smoothly make a girl feel special

This Chap knows how to do it!!

I think there is nothing sexier during sex than a guy just fully grabbing on to your hips and taking control. I don’t mean hands just laying on the hips but full on grabbing. If she has thicker thighs then you will get a good handful. It is not only sexy while your on top of her, but is is even sexier when he is on top of you and you take control by controlling her. Sex is a battle for control, or atleast it should be sometimes. She be certain to cum from you randomly doing this and fucking the shit out of her.

Show her who boss

Some times it is sexy to watch a guy jack off. I’m not saying surprise her while she is sleeping and hover over her as your doing it (unless it is a game and that’s what you are into)but I think cranking one out in fount of her during sexy time is not a bad  thing. She will probably get really turned on and stat playing with her self as well.

Don't be THAT guy!

If you do not get any from a girl, no matter how much effort you put in, don’t ever let her know how much you are let down by it. Not only do you come off as sad and high school like, but you are losing any type of friend ship or chance of hooking up with her in the future. I want to always have the upper hand, so let her know you had a great time, and that next time you would like to hang out with her alittle more. Never ever tell her that she waisted your time, unless you wana come off as an ass.

Let’s talk sex toys and how they can enhance your sex life, shall we?

Whether you’ve pranced gaily down that yellow brick road or not, you’ve most definitely thought about sex toys at some point. Should I get one for my lady? Is it considered gay? Will she think I’m a pervert?

LadyLove’s answers to those questions: Yes – No – Maybe (but what’s so bad about that?!?!).

There are a lot of great toys out there that can do a multitude of things like fulfill your fantasies, help you explore your sexuality, enhance your sex life (or absence of one) and so much more.

Tickle Tickle

Here’s my take. Adding a sex toy will do one of two things. It’ll either enhance your sex life, or you’ll try it and find out it wasn’t your size slipper. If you are relationshipless, adding a sex toy to your masturbation regimen (I know you have one) will pleasure you in place of a companion. DON’T WORRY! You will NOT like it better than having the company of a warm body. If you do, I’m pretty sure you may be disturbed on some other level that I’m not quite prepared to dive into tonight, or you’re going after the wrong kinda gals. Still, whatever tickles your Todo as I always say… actually I don’t think I’ve ever said that.

 If you are in a relationship and want to introduce a sex toy you must do what all us Humpette’s out there preach… communicate. Open communication in a relationship, if nothing else, is most beneficial in the bedroom. Of course, all women are different and need to be approached in creative ways, but hopefully this article will help you assess which type of woman you have and how to handle her.

Speaking of which, it’s only fair that if we’re going to explore how sex toys can enhance your sex life, we’re going to have to talk about the women who love them and the women who’d rather not admit it… and how to approach them about sex toys. When it comes down to it, you can compare most women to some of the characters in the wizard of oz. Observe.

The Dorothy’s: Dorothy was not an adventurer at heart. She would not

wow these guys are scary!

 have left the farm on her own, but she always dreamt of faraway lands (thus the Over the Rainbow song that gets stuck in your head forever)… but, being thrust into an adventure she mustered the courage to prance around a bunch of munchkins in some ugly ass shoes because it meant she’d be able to get back to Kansas.

 Our particular Dorothy is probably a sex toy virgin. She has thought about sex toys (maybe even talked about them with girlfriends), but one thing’s for sure, she’d definitely never have the rubies to go into a sex shop on her own and get one. YET… she’d be willing to try skipping down that yellow brick road if the adventure somehow benefits her.

If your lady is a Dorothy, you have a good chance of getting her to try something if you lead the way. How do you approach this? Buy a toy for her. A MODEST toy! Please don’t whip out the Kong size dong equipped with a lifelike, pubic-haired sack of potatoes. Please.

Go to your local sex shop, or buy from us online, and find something small and discrete, yet very pleasurable. Off the top of my head one of the best things to show her just how awesome adding a sex toy can be, the pocket rocket. It’s small and gentle and can glide into a vaginal or anal opening without traumatizing an area. If you have any questions get online and do some homework or ask the slimy salesman behind the counter what a good starter toy would be. I say slimy because all the slimy salesmen work at sex shops, used car lots, or the midnight shift at Denny’s. Just don’t whip it out to use on her in the back of a used car and then take her to Denny’s after. Ok, I’m getting off topic.

Introduce it to her while you’re both in the ‘mood’ or while you’re getting into foreplay. She’ll be more daring in this state, not to mention stimulated and ready to try just about anything. Remember, she’s only going to go for it if you take the lead. Be confident in your introduction of the toy, be excited about it, and the two of you explore just how much fun it can be.  

Next is our Tinman: The Tinman (or in this case the TinWOman) was known for not having a heart. Well, I see these kinds of women as, dare I say, heartless when it comes to toys. I mean that as, they’re the kind of girls you fear really do like wielding their great big axe (get it, he had an axe.. he he) more than they like having a man around. They have no problem using toys, talking about using toys, or admitting they’ve named all their toys to match favorite celebrities. They have no problems handling big equipment either… ya know, the kind that’ll take out the farm.

If your lady is a Tinman she undoubtedly already has a few toys, YOU just may not know about them yet (everyone else in OZ already does though). This is the kind of woman you can be up front and honest with. Don’t go out and buy her a toy, by this time she’s most likely pretty specific about what she likes. Instead, bring it up after a good romping together while you’re lying in bed winded. And be prepared… she may have some ideas of her own that you’ve never thought of before. Just warnin’ ya. You Humper’s have done a real bang-up job making a reputation for yourselves out in the world as perverts, but let me clue you in on something real quick. Women are just as perverted as men, if not worse, and these Tinman types are big offenders. Be open, as open as you’d want her to be, sex is sex and it’s a beautiful thing if you can explore your limits with someone who wants to help you get there. Also, if you want to bond a little more, offer to go shopping with her for a new toy you can use together. That’ll warm up that heart in no time.

The Scarecrow’s: The Scarecrow was without a brain if memory serves. Well, this chick is close minded to the thought of toys. She is the type of girl who thinks too much to just let herself go and enjoy. She probably views sex toys as perverted and/or unnecessary. Maybe she’s just afraid she’ll like them too much…once you go down some yellow brick roads you may not go back.  

If your lady is a Scarecrow this is my suggestion. Be patient. Scarecrow annoyed the hell out of me during the movie and I’m sure this will be a little trying on your patience… all in good time. Here’s how you’ll manage. If you are using condoms, start this little adventure by using the super-dooper ribbed for her pleasure condoms. Trojan makes some that are amazing and really expensive (soooooo friggin worth it). I believe they are called Ecstacy. Once she’s become undone on a few of those orgasms next time try a vibrating cock ring. Word to the wise, put it on like a regular cock ring and after a few minutes of sex turn that bad boy on! Keep in mind that you’ll be slowly building her toward sex toys WITHOUT her knowledge. Don’t tell her a thing about what you’re doing, just do it. Let her be pleasantly surprised. After she’s come unstuffed a bit (i.e. orgasmed up a storm) she’ll wonder what you did differently. Talk to her as if it is no big deal. “Naw, it’s just a cock ring.” Add no hype and please no convincing monologue… nothing.

After she’s been regularly pleasured by the cock ring, try a pocket rocket or something like a Lingo (vibrating tongue ring). Theres all kinds of things that are smaller and yet extremely pleasurable. Keep in mind the worst thing you can do is talk to her about what you’re doing. She’s dense packed full of moldy straw, she needs to be shown! Once she has the vibration of a toy stimulating her clit simultaneously as she’s being penetrated, she’ll be an enlightened woman.

Unfortunately, this may be as far or as close to using sex toys as you can get with her, but feel it out. If she’s really digging the smallther toys you may want to proceed as you would with the Dorothy and just buy something a little bigger to try next time. Again, bring it to the table as if it’s nothing big. If you do buy an actual toy (modest) to use on her, do it while you are going down on her. She’ll enjoy it for sure and then segue into using it during sex. Know your limits and proceed cautiously.

The Cowardly Lion: The Cowardly Lion had no nerve. He had to be coaxed out of his dwelling into the real world and was led on an extraordinary adventure where he learned he was courageous after all.

If your gal is a Cowardly Lion, I hope you have what it takes to coax this little kitty out of her hole. I believe you have a good chance of getting her to try something if you are sensitive and nurturing about it. How do you approach this? Again, buy a toy for her. A tiny, soft toy that you will have to manually stimulate her with… to show you care. No vibration or bells or whistles she spooks easily and then you’ll have to start the coaxing process all over again.

I do, however, recommend chalking up the evening that you chose to introduce the toy to her, as a loss for you (no expectations are sometimes better), and by that I mean figure you’ll spend most of the evening pleasuring her and possibly not getting off yourself. No pressure but tonight may make or break your chances of getting her into sex toys. So, you’re going to start this midway into some heavy foreplay and WAY before penetration. Best if you are going down on her. Whip out your little emerald (A mini love bullet or mini glass dildo) from its secret hiding place as you’re workin’ it and begin pleasuring her with it. Don’t show it to her, just do it! She too has to be shown and not siked out about it.  When she asks what you’re doing, before you show her what it is (make a game out of it), ask her if she likes it. She’ll no doubt say yes. As soon as she does ask her where she likes it and begin working it around. Once she’s fed into taking pleasure from the piece you can reveal it. She’ll be shocked that she could take pleasure out of such an unthinkable thing and be willing to try more in the future. Start small. As she gets more confident in her own sexuality and how ‘okay’ it is to use toys in bed and get out of that cave she’s been hiding in, the more she’ll be open to trying new things. Bingo-bango.

I hope this article helps you categorize your lady and in doing so aids your plan to introduce a sex toy. Just know that you’ll be doing most of the prancing around and you may run into a witch or two, but eventually all your hard work will pay off.

If you’d like more information about how to purchase sex toys visit www.adameve.com

Mayra Veronica

The month of July reminds us of many things. Sitting in a leather couch is like sitting to the old-school fly catching tape, it’s not worth the $1.50 you spent on that popcicle because half of it melted onto the ground, and keeping baby powder handy is muy importante.

But the first week of July reminds us, even with recent struggles, how awesome this country is. It’s also a time to remember those who make the sacrifices to make sure our independence is preserved and kept sacred.

It’s at those time, for those individuals, that it’s important to maintain a quality spank bank. Well fellas, let me introduce you to the hottest pin-up girl that is hitting the middle east harder then car-bombs. Mayra Veronica may be cuban-born, but she has put ample amounts of time and energy into lifting the spirits of our military members on numerous USO tours.

With all that aside, she’s a bombshell. She was voted of one the Top 100 sexiest women, by FHM, and has been featured in countless commercials. Did I mention she’s really freakin’ hot? Definitely worth a google or two. To the men, and lesbians, that are serving in our armed forces overseas, left with nothing but a magazine, a bottle of Jergens, and that “sock,” we here at HappyHumper.com salute you. Of course we salute with our left hand, because our right hand is kinda busy right now.

So you’re having trouble with your gal pal? She wants you to be more take charge, but the more you try and keep tabs on things, the more she says you’re a controlling asshole. Sound familiar? Well, maybe not ALL of you are experiencing these particular circumstances, but no doubt it is a fine line to walk as a man in a relationship with a woman. She wants you to take the reins, but when you do then you’re not doing it right. What in the name of Lady GaGa’s strap-on is going on here?

Well I’ll tell you, but only because I feel bad for you poor Humper’s out there who are just trying to keep their ladies happy. Women want a guy in charge. We want him to pay, open doors, and make the travel arrangements. Basically, and as simply as I can put it, what we mean by ‘we want a guy who is dominant’ is that we want him to take care of us and have everything under control. Try to deny it as they may, “I’m gonna burn my bra and sing Spice Girls cuz I believe in girl power!” women are full of SHIT and want a guy who is take charge. I’m sure it all stems from daddy baggage but that’s what we want.

NOT to be confused with a man who is controlling. A controlling man is the biggest turn off since Amy Whinehouse smiled in public. Don’t know the difference? Ok, to put it simply, we don’t need to be monitored, shadowed, stalked, given permission or allowance, or anything of the like. If a girl goes out with her friends and her boyfriend calls sixty-five times to find out who she’s with, when she’s coming home, where she’s at now, and how she’s doing he is controlling… no bueno.

I should point out here that there are two types of controlling men. Those guys I mentioned that are openly controlling like the example above, and then the guys that are covertly controlling. You know, the ones who put their girlfriend’s cell phone on their plan so they can see who she’s communicating with and/or how much she’s using her phone. Also, another big one is separating your girlfriend from her friends. This is a huge red flag and THE biggest covertly controlling act a man could do. Let her be an individual… if you don’t like that about her, you are controlling.

So in case I haven’t made it clear enough, controlling and dominate are two different things. Controlling = bad. Dominate = good. Bottom line, for a man it should be instinctual to want to look after, protect, and take care of a woman as this is what men have been doing since the dawn of time.  Take care of us, and take care of things FOR us, but don’t try to control us. Matter of fact, if you WANT to get rid of a gal because she’s a pain in the ass, just start breathing down her neck and looking over her shoulder… she’ll be gone in no time!

Salma Hayek

Ok, so as soon as I think Salma Hayek, four things come to mind. First, the movie Desperado with Antonio Banderas, beauty is the best word to describe her in that flick. Second, another Robert Rodriguez movie, From Dusk Til Dawn, starring Quentin Tarantino along side George Clooney. Large boner is the best way to describe my reaction to watching her strip-dance in that movie. Third, loving the fact that she still looked hot as hell even when she gained the baby-weight. Although, that may be a biased opinion because I like ‘em thick, if you know what I’m sayin’. You know, YOU KNOW! Yeah, ok. And fourth, I will always wear a rubber when I’m fuckin’ celebs cause now that crazy bitch won’t stop callin’ me for child support. I love ya Salma, and you’re fine as hell, but I want a blood test first. I aint no sucka. Anyways, Salma, Ms. Hayek if your nasty, has stood strong against the test of time (you know, pot-belly, saggy boobs, droopy ass, wrinkles, busted toes) and continues to light up a room with her only-the-gods-could-have-created-this-chick physique and charm. For that reason, we salute you. Let’s make another baby Salma, you’re still beautiful with a lil’ extra cushion and I’ll still be spankin’ it even if it looks like you’re gonna give birth to a baby whale. Plus pregnant-Salma has retarded-huge boobies! Spank Bank, count it!

only a kid could get away with that!

Sex Tip Of The Day:

Hi Humpers, I’m back!!!

I do have a great sex tip for you fella’s out there. It happened the other day and I enjoyed it very much and thought I’d share. See how thoughtful I am : ) Just playin. So anyway, I was kissing and enjoying myself quite a bit (cuz boy had some moves), when he did something that sent me through the roof. While we were kissing he had his hand on the small of my back. No biggie, that’s a staple move for most men, but while we kissed he slid his open hand from the small of my back down over the middle of my upper ass and pushed me closer to him and held me there. I was wearing a very short skirt at the time and every fiber in my being wanted him to just go a little further south, but he didn’t. Very sexy. Actually, it was wonderful. I’ve been groped, slapped and fondled but this was like the gentlemen’s way of adding a little fire to the kiss without all out grabbin my goodies. Try it next time you’re making out and get back to me!