The convo centered on dating and in it I questioned when the appropriate time to start having sex with someone was. And since I have recently entered a ‘something’ with someone who I’m quite fond of and didn’t want to screw (for lack of better terms) it up, the convo focused in on me. When answering the question above, the fair skinned beauty sitting across from me answered very matter-of-fact-ly (is factly a word.. well it is now), “That’s easy, if you don’t care about the guy then have sex with him. If you care about the guy, then don’t.”

I consider myself someone not easily jaw-dropped, but after she said it I couldn’t help but pick my jaw up off the sand (we were at the beach) and screw (for lack of better words) it back into place. Holy hell. Immediately I thought, is this what women are thinking? I better tell my boys!

To me it seems a little ass-backward but as a Lady of Love I prefer to wait and make sure the fella is worth the emotional attachment that comes along with intimacy. But no where in the book of LadyLove would it ever happen that I sleep with someone I don’t care about. That’s just weird. There are those out there and I’m not judging I’m just simply pointing out the way women think these days. Fortunately/Unfortunately (I don’t know which) most women don’t think the same way… apparently. So, next time you bring a girl home from the bar, just keep that in mind. If she sleeps with you she doesn’t give a shit. If she doesn’t, she may be something you want to hold onto. Just sayin’.

Emo is not always sexy

I’ll be frankly honest, I hate guys who are too kingly at first. Now if you are in a relationship or long distance I have no problem hearing “I miss you”. If you have only hung out a couple times, are not in a real relationship, or just met, this makes you look kind of sad. It really is a big turn off if a guy says this to me in the first couple months. Maybe it feels like they aren’t strong or maybe  like I’m being rushed into something, either way I don’t like it. There are ways to show her you want to be around her with out saying those three words. 

I might be coming from a different place though than most girls. To update all you humpers, I was in a 3 and a half year relationship and it ended back in May. Now it feels very odd to be single and I am realizing what I like and what I don’t like more and more. So moral of the story, wait a while before you say you miss her. You might scare her away especially if it is said before anything happens. 

Macho is always good, in small bites

Now at the same point if you seem too distant and act too tough you might lose out as well. A woman will only put up with so much. Key word is women. Girls will play along with the games for a long ass time, but some one like us will not. We will entertain your tests and games, but in the end if you don’t crack and tell us what you really want then we will just walk away. 

“Ms. Zombie, then where is the line?” To be honest I would say have fun. Enjoy the person, but make sure they are on the same page. You might enjoy it but them not so much. If you feel you found some one special speak up but know you might get hurt. Dating is nothing that is 100% certainty, trust me on this. You jump into it or half ass it. If you half ass it then it will probably fail. Show her how you feel without looking weak, but don’t build your wall too much or she will give up on you. Women are very tricky. I myself have not figured us out since we are all different. But if I have a break through I will let you all know. 

So you’re having trouble with your gal pal? She wants you to be more take charge, but the more you try and keep tabs on things, the more she says you’re a controlling asshole. Sound familiar? Well, maybe not ALL of you are experiencing these particular circumstances, but no doubt it is a fine line to walk as a man in a relationship with a woman. She wants you to take the reins, but when you do then you’re not doing it right. What in the name of Lady GaGa’s strap-on is going on here?

Well I’ll tell you, but only because I feel bad for you poor Humper’s out there who are just trying to keep their ladies happy. Women want a guy in charge. We want him to pay, open doors, and make the travel arrangements. Basically, and as simply as I can put it, what we mean by ‘we want a guy who is dominant’ is that we want him to take care of us and have everything under control. Try to deny it as they may, “I’m gonna burn my bra and sing Spice Girls cuz I believe in girl power!” women are full of SHIT and want a guy who is take charge. I’m sure it all stems from daddy baggage but that’s what we want.

NOT to be confused with a man who is controlling. A controlling man is the biggest turn off since Amy Whinehouse smiled in public. Don’t know the difference? Ok, to put it simply, we don’t need to be monitored, shadowed, stalked, given permission or allowance, or anything of the like. If a girl goes out with her friends and her boyfriend calls sixty-five times to find out who she’s with, when she’s coming home, where she’s at now, and how she’s doing he is controlling… no bueno.

I should point out here that there are two types of controlling men. Those guys I mentioned that are openly controlling like the example above, and then the guys that are covertly controlling. You know, the ones who put their girlfriend’s cell phone on their plan so they can see who she’s communicating with and/or how much she’s using her phone. Also, another big one is separating your girlfriend from her friends. This is a huge red flag and THE biggest covertly controlling act a man could do. Let her be an individual… if you don’t like that about her, you are controlling.

So in case I haven’t made it clear enough, controlling and dominate are two different things. Controlling = bad. Dominate = good. Bottom line, for a man it should be instinctual to want to look after, protect, and take care of a woman as this is what men have been doing since the dawn of time.  Take care of us, and take care of things FOR us, but don’t try to control us. Matter of fact, if you WANT to get rid of a gal because she’s a pain in the ass, just start breathing down her neck and looking over her shoulder… she’ll be gone in no time!

Let’s be real…

Women are from Earth and so are men. Communication is the galaxy that separates us.

Men believe if they lay the pipe down correctly, there should be no other concerns. While plumbing is very important to any structure, it does not make or break a relationship for a woman as she will use an outhouse if necessary.

Guys, you really don’t want your women stepping out to use an outhouse.

First you must determine if you have a whiney biatch or a real woman. Please take the whiney biatch test below:

1. Did she whine, nag, complain, etc. about the same thing at least 10 or more times in the last 24 hours? If yes, get out now.

2. Not only did she whine, nag, complain, etc. but there was brain damaging drama as well? If yes, what the hell are you still doing with this biatch?

3. Has she hung up on you at work if you did not address her whine, nag, complain, etc.? Really dude, you must be a glutton for punishment if you are still with this biatch.

4. Called or texted you more than ten times during the day without you responding to said whine, nag, complain, etc.? You are pussy whipped if you are still with this biatch!!!

If you answered no to all the questions above, you have a real woman. Said women will communicate their concerns to you in a non brain damaging manner. Please reward those that actually communicate by listening, no really… LISTEN!!!

Turn off the Blah Blah meter and actually LISTEN.

If you don’t then you encourage the biatches that want their men to have a crystal balls and read their thoughts or the guessing game if she is giving you the silent treatment. And we all know how dense men can be which translates to no sex until you do or a nuclear meltdown.

Oh and BTW, for those of you that think the silent treatment is better than the bitching, you poor schlep you have no idea the shit you’re in for.

Here are some ways you can demonstrate to a woman that you are really listening to her.

Let me clarify, only apply these if you mean it because if you don’t, you’re only prolonging the inevitable and that would be, your ass getting dumped.

 After she is done stating her concern (I truly mean done, do not interrupt her), make statements such as: “Let me see if I am understanding you correctly” or after summarizing what she said, “What can I do to make this up to you?”. Then actually do what you said you were going to do because if you don’t, God help you… you’re an idiot.

A real woman will start resenting a man once she feels she is not being heard.

 You really… I mean really… don’t want this to happen.

Once she hits this point, there is no return. She will drop you like a bad habit without looking back twice. Therefore, communication; learn it, live it, love it!!!

We’ve almost all had one…  I’m not talking about STD’s (just kidding), I’m talking about relationships. Sure they’re tricky, daunting, and often too much work, but if you’ve found the right kinda gal then we salute you! We’re here to lend a helping hand when things get hard… oops! There we go talking about sex again.

So, nestled among the articles of anal play, humper questions about funky spunk, and sex toys of the month, you will most definately find manly advice on relationships and how to deal. It ain’t all peaches and cream, so let us do what we do best! Feel free to contact us with your questions and all of our Humpette’s will have an answer for ya!