Mayra Veronica

The month of July reminds us of many things. Sitting in a leather couch is like sitting to the old-school fly catching tape, it’s not worth the $1.50 you spent on that popcicle because half of it melted onto the ground, and keeping baby powder handy is muy importante.

But the first week of July reminds us, even with recent struggles, how awesome this country is. It’s also a time to remember those who make the sacrifices to make sure our independence is preserved and kept sacred.

It’s at those time, for those individuals, that it’s important to maintain a quality spank bank. Well fellas, let me introduce you to the hottest pin-up girl that is hitting the middle east harder then car-bombs. Mayra Veronica may be cuban-born, but she has put ample amounts of time and energy into lifting the spirits of our military members on numerous USO tours.

With all that aside, she’s a bombshell. She was voted of one the Top 100 sexiest women, by FHM, and has been featured in countless commercials. Did I mention she’s really freakin’ hot? Definitely worth a google or two. To the men, and lesbians, that are serving in our armed forces overseas, left with nothing but a magazine, a bottle of Jergens, and that “sock,” we here at HappyHumper.com salute you. Of course we salute with our left hand, because our right hand is kinda busy right now.

Salma Hayek

Ok, so as soon as I think Salma Hayek, four things come to mind. First, the movie Desperado with Antonio Banderas, beauty is the best word to describe her in that flick. Second, another Robert Rodriguez movie, From Dusk Til Dawn, starring Quentin Tarantino along side George Clooney. Large boner is the best way to describe my reaction to watching her strip-dance in that movie. Third, loving the fact that she still looked hot as hell even when she gained the baby-weight. Although, that may be a biased opinion because I like ‘em thick, if you know what I’m sayin’. You know, YOU KNOW! Yeah, ok. And fourth, I will always wear a rubber when I’m fuckin’ celebs cause now that crazy bitch won’t stop callin’ me for child support. I love ya Salma, and you’re fine as hell, but I want a blood test first. I aint no sucka. Anyways, Salma, Ms. Hayek if your nasty, has stood strong against the test of time (you know, pot-belly, saggy boobs, droopy ass, wrinkles, busted toes) and continues to light up a room with her only-the-gods-could-have-created-this-chick physique and charm. For that reason, we salute you. Let’s make another baby Salma, you’re still beautiful with a lil’ extra cushion and I’ll still be spankin’ it even if it looks like you’re gonna give birth to a baby whale. Plus pregnant-Salma has retarded-huge boobies! Spank Bank, count it!

June’s Hero Of The Month: Tourette’s Guy

The Tourette’s Guy is our hero forever and we hope he’ll make it to your hero list as well! BOB SAGET!!!!

The tongue, an array of muscles and nerves… is the most versatile sex organ we possess. We can touch, taste, and lick with it…. [it] is the instrument that lets us speak many languages, foremost among them the language of love.

- Chapter 5 The Tongue is Mightier Than the Sword

I read a lot of non-fiction. I mostly read business books. So, it was with great pleasure that I picked up and read “She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman,” a book by sex therapist Ian Kerner. And to my surprise, it was not only a good instruction manual, but a great read.

What Attracts You?

Like me, you may be initially attracted to the book by the cover. The book, pictured on the right, features a ripe delicious looking papaya (a euphemism in Latin cultures for a woman’s genitalia) with a blurred out banana in the background. It catches your eye, and, personally, in looking at this juicy fruit, I quickly and completely realized why I always heard my Cuban friends joke about wanting some “papaya!”

Its juicy insides, when split in half, reveal many layers of fleshy fruit wrapped around a seedy center – at the top, near the place where the fruit originally connected to the tree – a circle of skin, a shaft, a button, resembling the head or crown of the clitoris.

I’m getting hungry.

But, as I would come to find out in the first few pages, the clitoris, is NOT a button!

Should You Read She Comes First?

Yes!

Okay, let’s break this down:

Women

Let’s take care of you first . See, I do learn quickly. Are you a woman considering reading this book? Not sure if you want to brave that long walk from the “sex” section of borders to the check out area and risk bumping into a colleague? Well, it’s worth it (and besides you can always order the book on amazon!). If you’re still unconvinced, just ask yourself…

Do you WANT TO COME MORE?!

Of course you do! I do, and I have never met anyone that has said “you know what… I am coming WAY too much” especially women. Except maybe this one woman I dated . Every time we had sex she could not stop shaking.

Getting on track.

So my advice is all women should definitely read she comes first, or in the very least your man should read it and then he should communicate just a few interesting facts to you. For example:

On average, women reach climax less than 1/3 of the time during sex. But, when partners spend just 20 minutes or more on foreplay women are able to reach orgasm nearly 93% of the time.

What the f@$#!!! 20 minutes, is nothing for an almost GAURANTEED happy, squirming, smiling woman.

Men – Why You Need to Read This Book

I consider myself a thinking man. So the subtitle – along with the dripping fruit – definitely caught my eye. As it may as well do for you guys out there considering picking up the book. Before I get to the specific reasons why you (men) should read this book, I’d like to point out something I’ve noticed in my life.

Have you ever noticed that women love sex? I mean, if you have ever had a friend that is a girl and talked to her for more than 30 minutes, sex always comes up. AND, if you’ve had the pleasure of a couple of girls as friends I’m sure you’ve been shocked to hear about all of their sexual exploits.

BUT more importantly (and surprisingly!) how open women are about sex, revealing every intimate detail with their adventures in penis mountain climbing (what I call sex) or spelunking (lesbian sex).

After getting over this initial shock (realizing that there are probably at least a few dozen women that know how big you are and how you were in bed) if you’re like me, you realize that men really aren’t the more sexual gender.

I think it’s pretty even, and we have different ways of expressing our sexuality and becoming turned on, but I bet you never shared the details of a one-night stand with a friend. You have probably just answered the question… “Did you get it?”

Hell yeah you got it!

But that’s where the sharing ends. And that’s where this book sort of picks up.

It is a terrific combination of wonderful prose, scientific data, amazing quotes, historical references and (finally and perhaps most importantly for us guys) a manual on how to please your woman. Besides, women will find it sexier that you are taking responsibility for your own sexuality, and are looking for ways to please them (and yourself) more!

And at the end of the day, I’m sure you’ll agree there is NOTHING as sexy as when YOU GIVE your woman an orgasm:

I love to make my girlfriend come. I love to experience the whole thing – the buildup of ecstasy, the spasm of satisfaction, the momentary loss of self. It turns me on even more to know I made it happen. (David, 27)

Our Spank Bank Chick of The Month:

Scarlette Johansson

We at HappyHumper.com LOVE Scarlette for her adapability and versatility. We think YOU’LL love her for her sex appeal which is why we’ve included her in our Spank Bank for the month of May.

She can be classy, sassy or chic… OR skank her up and you still get one hot piece of trailor trash!

One of the best things about her, aside from her mad acting skills, she is definitely a curvy chick. If you like ‘em flat you may want to skip this month. She represents women with curves all over the world… hers just happen to be top notch. This busty beauty has made our spank bank and we hope she makes it to yours. HappyHumping!

Just when you thought it was safe to leave the house

 The Challenge:

It’s been a running debate among the Humpettes and the men of ManWhole.com, our big brother site, that members of the opposite sex have an easier time picking up potential mates at bars/clubs. The ManWholers strongly believe that women have the advantage when it comes to picking up guys. The Humpettes disagree and wish to challenge their fellow writers to a duel. The Humpettes believe the ManWholers will not only be picking up more chicks, but will have an easier time doing it.

Challengers:

Manwholers (manwhole.com)

                                    vs.

Humpettes (happyhumper.com)

The Rules:

1.  Opposite teams have the final say on wardrobe and pseudonyms names for each participant i.e. the Humpettes will give the final okay on what the Manwholers are wearing and what they’ll be referring to themselves as and vice versa.No physical or verbal sabotage can be used to ruin ones chances of potentially picking up a date i.e. each participant has to genuinely try to pick up the guy/gal. NO CHEATING, No spilling the beans, and no sitting in the corner like a lump on a log.
2. Both Challengers will agree on the night, a group of 3 neutral places, and amount of time allotted for the experiment per each place. Each club/bar should only be worked a maximum of an hour and under the supervision of the other challenger (Humpettes can’t go out one night and claim they couldn’t get numbers, it all has to be done on the same evening). In that hour the Manwholers and Humpettes must collect all numbers from poor unsuspecting club goers and bring them to a neutral person.
3. The team mates may hunt in packs. For example, LadyLove and MsZombie can hit on a group of guys together and same goes for Manwholers.
4. Challengers can pretend they do not know each other while in the game but if given the opportunity they can coax, persuade, and talk to members of the unsuspecting public if it means it’ll help their opponent get a phone number. Ultimately it will be only proving their point that the opposite sex has better chances… otherwise known as playing dirty. *insert sinister laughter here*
5. Once in a club/bar the challengers may choose to sit, stand, dance, mingle or whatever, but cannot opt to do only one thing all night. For example, you cannot just sit at the bar all night and watch sports and say I couldn’t pick up a chick.
6. Anything goes. Unsuspecting club/bar goers can be any mix of ethnicity or age but must be a member of the opposite sex. We’ll save our gay pickup challenge for another date.

The Showdown:

Tampa, Florida. The weekend of April 10th.

Give us your vote!

And don’t just vote for us Humpette’s because we’re always right

This month we’ve chosen Hollywood & Divine’s Kissable Warming Massage Oil as our Product of the Month for March.

Your local Fredrick’s of Hollywood should have it for around $12.

A small price to pay for a yummy addition to your happy humping!

I found this little gem while I was doing some naughty shopping at Fredrick’s. The girl at the counter made me put it on my hand, blow on it and lick it.

To my surprise it was not only deliciously scented but it tasted like a yummy, sugary popsicle!

The only concern I had was that it looked really thick and anyone dealing with personal massage oils these days know that it’s better to go longer with a water based product. There’s more slip to water based products as well as oils, after a while, tend to become a hot sticky mess. The little Fredrick’s girly assured me it was water based and in the normal rush that I find myself in most of the time I bought it immediately.

Upon reading the back of the product later I realized what my little friend had mistaken for water based was actually ‘water soluble’… not the same thing.

So, if you all rush out to buy this little addition to your toy box I’d recommend the following:

-DO use it for a teasing, tantalizing body massage. Feel free to lick, blow, bite, suck and hickey all body parts with this sweet little product. It is absolutely great.

-DON’T use it for penetration. It is far too thick and too scented. You want to come out of this a sex god not a sticky swamp thing so keep that in mind. Not to mention most women are pretty sensitive to fragrance in their lady parts so use caution.

-DO use it for oral sex! It is an awesome  addition to oral sex on both your parts! This maybe something to use for those humper’s out there who hate to give oral… same with your lady, if she hates giving oral slather some of this deliciousness on your shaft and your boys and let her lick it off. She’ll love it.

-DON’T forget it’s warming!!! If you are using it to give oral to each other don’t forget to stop licking and take a few moments to blow on it. The warming sensation is enough to make you cum right then and there.

-DO enjoy!

No need to thank me, Happyhumping!

This month we humbly nominate Hayden Panettiere, our super hot, super hero Spank Bank Chick!!

We’ve nominated her for several reasons this month. For one, nothings hotter than a busty blonde in cheerleader gear running around saving the world, right? We didn’t think so!

She’s be reigning queen of Heros as Claire for several seasons but her filmography dates way back to episodes of Law & Order and even Scooby Doo!! That brings us to our reason two, she’s super experienced (woot!). We love a chick who can hold her own on the big screen and not make us wince at playing the stereotypical dumb bitch (even though I’m sure a few of those will end up in our spank bank)!

Reason three: Super classy. We here at HappyHumper are all about class. So is our girl Hayden. Doll her up and you get a super sexy bombshell, dress her down and you’ve got the cookie-cutter girl next door. Love it!

Reason four: She has good taste. Although we all love our women a little on the trashy side, we also hate to see their roster list the backwoods dudes from Deliverance.

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This month: