"Excuse me ma'am, I'd like to motivate you to have sex with me!"

The 6 month rut. We’ve all experienced it.

Let me fast forward through the boring shit. You met a gal, liked her enough to have sex with, liked her sex enough to have a relationship with her, fucked like rabbits while you got to know each other and now counting sheep get more action in your bedroom than you. I hear ya. It usually happens after the honeymoon phase is over. You start to get comfortable. The initial excitement wears off and you find yourself 6 months, a year, two years into a relationship with someone you love and enjoy, but aren’t having the same fun in the sack you used to. What happened to that girl you used to have sex marathons with? Fuck if I know. I bet at this point sex in the shower’s totally not an option and you’re lucky if you get it once a week. You poor guy. Pshh, fuck that. Here’s what you do, humpette style.

CHANGE IT THE FUCK UP!

Go to the sex shop on your damn lunch break or on your day off… without her. I want you to buy a pocket rocket or something manageable and non-I’m-a-pervert style. What do I mean? Do not bring home a KINGSIZED DONG okay? Pocket rockets are great and cheap. If you are already using toys in the bed, get something that you haven’t tried or used on her. Buy some flavored lube but ask the dude behind the counter what sells the most and which is the best flavor. Next, I want you to buy a blindfold, feather, something to tie her up with and candle. Don’t forget the lighter.

I want you to brush up on your dirty talk. Don’t use the regular lingo if you guys already dish the dirty. Switch it up, get really dirty. Object of the game here is to totally surprise her and knock her ass out of the comfort zone.

Women get turned on not only by the physical stuff. The fact that you planned all this just for her (really for you too) will be a massive turn on as well. Enjoy the results. And remember that when the 6 month rut comes along, you can always find something new or different to spring on her.

Please don't get us wrong, it's not because we're lazy... sometimes we just like to watch

Back by popular demand: Do Women Like….

Well, this week we’ve had an overwhelming number of masturbation questions so here it is Humpers…. Do women like when you masturbate in front of them? Honestly, I don’t know a single woman who doesn’t get turned on by her man strokin his own shaft. So to answer you question….HELL-tada-YEA!

There aren’t too many secrets here guys, its a huge turn on any way ya look at it. Not only does it tease us, but also shows the more inexperienced gal just what to do (should we not be 100% sure) to pleasure you. Plus the idea of you touching yourself to the sight of us is an incredible turn on all on its own.

So, Humpers, feel free to include some masturbation in your sexy time. Here’s a tip from one of our female readers:

“I love it when a man masturbates in front of me. Especially when he does it and rubs the tip of his penis over my clit before he sticks it in.”

That’s all I got to say about that! Short n sweet!

The convo centered on dating and in it I questioned when the appropriate time to start having sex with someone was. And since I have recently entered a ‘something’ with someone who I’m quite fond of and didn’t want to screw (for lack of better terms) it up, the convo focused in on me. When answering the question above, the fair skinned beauty sitting across from me answered very matter-of-fact-ly (is factly a word.. well it is now), “That’s easy, if you don’t care about the guy then have sex with him. If you care about the guy, then don’t.”

I consider myself someone not easily jaw-dropped, but after she said it I couldn’t help but pick my jaw up off the sand (we were at the beach) and screw (for lack of better words) it back into place. Holy hell. Immediately I thought, is this what women are thinking? I better tell my boys!

To me it seems a little ass-backward but as a Lady of Love I prefer to wait and make sure the fella is worth the emotional attachment that comes along with intimacy. But no where in the book of LadyLove would it ever happen that I sleep with someone I don’t care about. That’s just weird. There are those out there and I’m not judging I’m just simply pointing out the way women think these days. Fortunately/Unfortunately (I don’t know which) most women don’t think the same way… apparently. So, next time you bring a girl home from the bar, just keep that in mind. If she sleeps with you she doesn’t give a shit. If she doesn’t, she may be something you want to hold onto. Just sayin’.

Here’s the skinny…

When in doubt two very easy things will kick start your dirty dish and get you feeling completely comfortable speaking during sexy time:

1. 1. Tell her how beautiful she is
2. 2. Tell her how good it feels

Easy right? As you know girls need constant reinforcement. I PROMISE you will get the most out of your woman if you are constantly stroking her ego. If this doesn’t work come back and tell me!

If you’re one of our lady readers:

Worried about saying the wrong thing or something that won’t turn him on? You’re not the only one. Ready for the best part? We have the easy job! A quick fix to silent sex…

1. Sigh and moan, mama! Mix it up with a little “yes” or “oh God” “that’s it” and he’s all over it. Men are easy in that way. The more you give him or show him you’re enjoying it, the more (for lack of better terms) cocky he’ll feel and the better he’ll do it.
2. Throw the ball in his court. An easy “talk dirty to me” might inspire him to speak up if he’s been holding back. If he’s a tad bashful you can always use leading questions that are really easy like “do you like that baby?” “does that feel good” which are both good standbys.

Alrighty Humper and Humpettes out there, I sure hope I’ve given you a little more to work with. When you feel comfortable here is the complete How to Talk Dirty article that can help improve your sex life. Until then, HAPPY HUMPING!!!

only a kid could get away with that!

Sex Tip Of The Day:

Hi Humpers, I’m back!!!

I do have a great sex tip for you fella’s out there. It happened the other day and I enjoyed it very much and thought I’d share. See how thoughtful I am : ) Just playin. So anyway, I was kissing and enjoying myself quite a bit (cuz boy had some moves), when he did something that sent me through the roof. While we were kissing he had his hand on the small of my back. No biggie, that’s a staple move for most men, but while we kissed he slid his open hand from the small of my back down over the middle of my upper ass and pushed me closer to him and held me there. I was wearing a very short skirt at the time and every fiber in my being wanted him to just go a little further south, but he didn’t. Very sexy. Actually, it was wonderful. I’ve been groped, slapped and fondled but this was like the gentlemen’s way of adding a little fire to the kiss without all out grabbin my goodies. Try it next time you’re making out and get back to me!

kiss me, baby!

Quick Sex Tip of the Day: Brush Yo’ Grill! 

This guy over here is never gonna get layed, BUT I thought I’d write a quick tip to all you Humper’s out there who I love so much. Please brush your grill.

 Oral Hygiene is something women look at ALL the time! If you’ve neglected to brush your teeth today, we’ve noticed. Keeping good oral hygiene is not only important for your own well being, but not taking care of your pearly whites could cause problems for your girlfriend as well. Think about how much bacteria is in your mouth. Now, don’t clean it properly, let it furment… now, you go down on her… YUM!!!

Let’s not forget you probably use your spit for lubrication when you’re playing with her or possibly during sex… mmm, nothin like a good dose of bacteria to stick in your twat! You just turned your penis into a yuck flavored popsicle. Women are prone to urinary tract infections as well as yeast infections and a ton of other stuff so keep her vajayjay healthy. I promise you’ll have more sex if the girly parts are all in working condition!

Not to mention, your stinky breath will not be a turn on when she kisses you.

Keep ’em clean! happyhumping! ]]> http://www.happyhumper.com/2010/05/sex-tip-oral-hygiene/feed/ 0 http://www.happyhumper.com/2010/05/sex-tip-follow-up/ http://www.happyhumper.com/2010/05/sex-tip-follow-up/#comments Thu, 20 May 2010 15:16:11 +0000 Lady Love http://www.happyhumper.com/?p=835 Sex Tip of the Day:

This one’s gonna be a quick one so get your pencil’s ready! Whether she was a one night stand or a potential mate, post sexual encounters with a lady should always be followed up the next day with some sort of acknowledgement. A “thank you, you were great” or “have a nice life” text would be just fine if you’re too lazy to call. This little trick separates the boys from the men. It’s polite and the right thing to do. Not to mention it takes a whole of two seconds of your effort in case you’re ‘too busy to be bothered’ type.

Back in the day I dated a really nice guy who had a striking resemblance to Colin Farrell… actually, he was Colin… ok, i just made that up, but I used to pretend. ANYWAY, he was really good to me for a few weeks so naturally, in the land of LadyLove, after a few weeks of courting sex is inevitable. So, we’re in bed and Colin is hittin’ all my spots over and over and over. It was great, I thought, this guy’s got it! Yay me, he’s awesome!

Then, all of a sudden… it happened! He stuck his tongue in my ear and no matter how I politely tried to switch positions, turn my head or try to block it, he kept tonging my ear like he was an A.D.D. kid tryin to get the last flakes of sugar out of the Fun Dip package.

I didn’t know where to run. I tried a few more times to experience him in bed. I even told him I had a weird thing about ears (which was not the truth but only a desperate attempt to help him) where I didn’t like anyone to touch them. Still, he insisted.

don't fuckin' think of me durin' sex *Irish accent Irish accent*

So, now we come to our Sex Tip of the Day: A tongue in the ear can be sexy if its not slobbery and used very sparingly. Nibble, suck, breathe, or gently bite the earlobe, but don’t stick your tongue in there for an exorbitant amount of time. If you catch yourself doing that, think of Colin Farrell and stop immediately. Word.

Which brings me to my sex tip of the week:

 Women’s nipples are attached. They are there for pleasure and a little bit of pain. One of the best ways to begin foreplay is by doing one or all of the following:  tweaking, twisting, caressing, kissing, sucking, blowing or licking your gal’s nipples.

If you bite, please be mindful. DO NOT make me post Castle Freak on this website to teach you all a lesson in what NOT to do to a girls nipples. I’d like to heal my wounds and not revisit the movie if at all possible. Oh my God even looking at that picture is making my nipples twitch…. he’s freaking me out!

I had no idea a guy could work his cock muscles LOL!!!

I certainly partake in creating a more muscular vagina muscle for my man but I didn’t know there were exercises for you Humpers too!

So here you go, how to get a strong penis…

Kegel exercises are as follows:

Twitching the penis ten times a session at least three times a day

Raising your cock by degrees, as if you were erecting it in stages. Try pulling your cock up to a low stage first, then a medium height, and then to summit. Then let it down again in the reverse sequence.

Ultimate test… hang a tea towel on your penis and keep the towel horizontal for five minutes.

When  you’ve given your penis the Arnold Schwarzenegger workout, give it a try, get back to me!

ps- don’t hurt yourself trying. I don’t want to be responsible for pulling or straining anything in that region!