"Excuse me ma'am, I'd like to motivate you to have sex with me!"

The 6 month rut. We’ve all experienced it.

Let me fast forward through the boring shit. You met a gal, liked her enough to have sex with, liked her sex enough to have a relationship with her, fucked like rabbits while you got to know each other and now counting sheep get more action in your bedroom than you. I hear ya. It usually happens after the honeymoon phase is over. You start to get comfortable. The initial excitement wears off and you find yourself 6 months, a year, two years into a relationship with someone you love and enjoy, but aren’t having the same fun in the sack you used to. What happened to that girl you used to have sex marathons with? Fuck if I know. I bet at this point sex in the shower’s totally not an option and you’re lucky if you get it once a week. You poor guy. Pshh, fuck that. Here’s what you do, humpette style.

CHANGE IT THE FUCK UP!

Go to the sex shop on your damn lunch break or on your day off… without her. I want you to buy a pocket rocket or something manageable and non-I’m-a-pervert style. What do I mean? Do not bring home a KINGSIZED DONG okay? Pocket rockets are great and cheap. If you are already using toys in the bed, get something that you haven’t tried or used on her. Buy some flavored lube but ask the dude behind the counter what sells the most and which is the best flavor. Next, I want you to buy a blindfold, feather, something to tie her up with and candle. Don’t forget the lighter.

I want you to brush up on your dirty talk. Don’t use the regular lingo if you guys already dish the dirty. Switch it up, get really dirty. Object of the game here is to totally surprise her and knock her ass out of the comfort zone.

Women get turned on not only by the physical stuff. The fact that you planned all this just for her (really for you too) will be a massive turn on as well. Enjoy the results. And remember that when the 6 month rut comes along, you can always find something new or different to spring on her.

Please don't get us wrong, it's not because we're lazy... sometimes we just like to watch

Back by popular demand: Do Women Like….

Well, this week we’ve had an overwhelming number of masturbation questions so here it is Humpers…. Do women like when you masturbate in front of them? Honestly, I don’t know a single woman who doesn’t get turned on by her man strokin his own shaft. So to answer you question….HELL-tada-YEA!

There aren’t too many secrets here guys, its a huge turn on any way ya look at it. Not only does it tease us, but also shows the more inexperienced gal just what to do (should we not be 100% sure) to pleasure you. Plus the idea of you touching yourself to the sight of us is an incredible turn on all on its own.

So, Humpers, feel free to include some masturbation in your sexy time. Here’s a tip from one of our female readers:

“I love it when a man masturbates in front of me. Especially when he does it and rubs the tip of his penis over my clit before he sticks it in.”

That’s all I got to say about that! Short n sweet!

The convo centered on dating and in it I questioned when the appropriate time to start having sex with someone was. And since I have recently entered a ‘something’ with someone who I’m quite fond of and didn’t want to screw (for lack of better terms) it up, the convo focused in on me. When answering the question above, the fair skinned beauty sitting across from me answered very matter-of-fact-ly (is factly a word.. well it is now), “That’s easy, if you don’t care about the guy then have sex with him. If you care about the guy, then don’t.”

I consider myself someone not easily jaw-dropped, but after she said it I couldn’t help but pick my jaw up off the sand (we were at the beach) and screw (for lack of better words) it back into place. Holy hell. Immediately I thought, is this what women are thinking? I better tell my boys!

To me it seems a little ass-backward but as a Lady of Love I prefer to wait and make sure the fella is worth the emotional attachment that comes along with intimacy. But no where in the book of LadyLove would it ever happen that I sleep with someone I don’t care about. That’s just weird. There are those out there and I’m not judging I’m just simply pointing out the way women think these days. Fortunately/Unfortunately (I don’t know which) most women don’t think the same way… apparently. So, next time you bring a girl home from the bar, just keep that in mind. If she sleeps with you she doesn’t give a shit. If she doesn’t, she may be something you want to hold onto. Just sayin’.

Here’s the skinny…

When in doubt two very easy things will kick start your dirty dish and get you feeling completely comfortable speaking during sexy time:

1. 1. Tell her how beautiful she is
2. 2. Tell her how good it feels

Easy right? As you know girls need constant reinforcement. I PROMISE you will get the most out of your woman if you are constantly stroking her ego. If this doesn’t work come back and tell me!

If you’re one of our lady readers:

Worried about saying the wrong thing or something that won’t turn him on? You’re not the only one. Ready for the best part? We have the easy job! A quick fix to silent sex…

1. Sigh and moan, mama! Mix it up with a little “yes” or “oh God” “that’s it” and he’s all over it. Men are easy in that way. The more you give him or show him you’re enjoying it, the more (for lack of better terms) cocky he’ll feel and the better he’ll do it.
2. Throw the ball in his court. An easy “talk dirty to me” might inspire him to speak up if he’s been holding back. If he’s a tad bashful you can always use leading questions that are really easy like “do you like that baby?” “does that feel good” which are both good standbys.

Alrighty Humper and Humpettes out there, I sure hope I’ve given you a little more to work with. When you feel comfortable here is the complete How to Talk Dirty article that can help improve your sex life. Until then, HAPPY HUMPING!!!

She is so sexy, but she will eat you for dinner as well

I was watching the movie May the other day and it hit me that psycho can sometimes come off as sexy. But why? Is it the danger that something horribly wrong could happen? Is it the part of us that wants to experience the unknown.

Either way the second thought to this is why would you want to be with someone who is completely off.

I mean don’t get me wrong I am not a sane child at all, but I know I am not totally crazy. I realized it has to be the sex. So, if you are fucking a crazy chick just let her know you are only fuck buddies, cause if she falls too much for you, you might lose you hands, and then how would you be able to jack off?

If She can make her feel special, so can you!

I’ve noticed while watching tv and going out, that drag queens know how to treat a lady and be a lady. What the fuck could I mean? Well, drag queens are very witty and bitchy but they know manners and are polite at the same time. I have gotten complements from them without coming off as sleazy, and at the same time make me feel very pretty and sexy. You don’t need to be in drag make up to do this for a girl. Next time you have time really look at the underlining behavior and speech of a drag queen and maybe you can pick up how to smoothly make a girl feel special

This Chap knows how to do it!!

I dont think there is anything hotter during sex than a guy fully grabbing onto your hips and taking control. I don’t mean hands just laying on the hips, but full on grabbing. If she has thicker thighs then you will get a good handful. It is not only sexy while she is on top of you, but it is even sexier when you are on top of her and take control by doing this. Sex is a battle for control, or atleast it should be sometimes. She be certain to cum from you randomly doing this and fucking the shit out of her.

Show her who boss

Some times it is sexy to watch a guy jack off. I’m not saying surprise her while she is sleeping and hover over her as your doing it (unless it is a game and that’s what you are into)but I think cranking one out in front of her during sexy time is not a bad  thing. She will probably get really turned on and start playing with herself as well.

Don't be THAT guy!

If you do not get any from a girl, no matter how much effort you put in, don’t ever let her know how much you are let down by it. Not only do you come off as sad and high school like, but you are losing any type of friend ship or chance of hooking up with her in the future. I want to always have the upper hand, so let her know you had a great time and that next time you would like to hang out with her alittle more. Never ever tell her that she waisted your time, unless you wana come off as an ass.

only a kid could get away with that!

Sex Tip Of The Day:

Hi Humpers, I’m back!!!

I do have a great sex tip for you fella’s out there. It happened the other day and I enjoyed it very much and thought I’d share. See how thoughtful I am : ) Just playin. So anyway, I was kissing and enjoying myself quite a bit (cuz boy had some moves), when he did something that sent me through the roof. While we were kissing he had his hand on the small of my back. No biggie, that’s a staple move for most men, but while we kissed he slid his open hand from the small of my back down over the middle of my upper ass and pushed me closer to him and held me there. I was wearing a very short skirt at the time and every fiber in my being wanted him to just go a little further south, but he didn’t. Very sexy. Actually, it was wonderful. I’ve been groped, slapped and fondled but this was like the gentlemen’s way of adding a little fire to the kiss without all out grabbin my goodies. Try it next time you’re making out and get back to me!