"Excuse me ma'am, I'd like to motivate you to have sex with me!"

The 6 month rut. We’ve all experienced it.

Let me fast forward through the boring shit. You met a gal, liked her enough to have sex with, liked her sex enough to have a relationship with her, fucked like rabbits while you got to know each other and now counting sheep get more action in your bedroom than you. I hear ya. It usually happens after the honeymoon phase is over. You start to get comfortable. The initial excitement wears off and you find yourself 6 months, a year, two years into a relationship with someone you love and enjoy, but aren’t having the same fun in the sack you used to. What happened to that girl you used to have sex marathons with? Fuck if I know. I bet at this point sex in the shower’s totally not an option and you’re lucky if you get it once a week. You poor guy. Pshh, fuck that. Here’s what you do, humpette style.

CHANGE IT THE FUCK UP!

Go to the sex shop on your damn lunch break or on your day off… without her. I want you to buy a pocket rocket or something manageable and non-I’m-a-pervert style. What do I mean? Do not bring home a KINGSIZED DONG okay? Pocket rockets are great and cheap. If you are already using toys in the bed, get something that you haven’t tried or used on her. Buy some flavored lube but ask the dude behind the counter what sells the most and which is the best flavor. Next, I want you to buy a blindfold, feather, something to tie her up with and candle. Don’t forget the lighter.

I want you to brush up on your dirty talk. Don’t use the regular lingo if you guys already dish the dirty. Switch it up, get really dirty. Object of the game here is to totally surprise her and knock her ass out of the comfort zone.

Women get turned on not only by the physical stuff. The fact that you planned all this just for her (really for you too) will be a massive turn on as well. Enjoy the results. And remember that when the 6 month rut comes along, you can always find something new or different to spring on her.

Of course this starts with communication. If you’re bad at talking about sex over a plate of spaghetti, you can always do some investigative communication in the sack. I’m talking dirty talk people. I know, I know, it’s very intimidating. Trust your humpettes have that covered. We put some good articles on here about how to dish the dirty if you’re a beginner. It may or may not be your thing, and that’s totally fine, but you can use it to find out what’s workin for your lady, and what’s not.

A few examples: “Do you like that?” and “Tell me what you want.” They work great during foreplay and even sex. I suggest you try because here’s what happens. You may not need dirty talk, you may not need foreplay, you may not even need a warm body (just kidding about that last part), but you’re woman may. If you don’t know these things, then you’re needs may be met and her’s may not.

If you’re saying right now, “No big deal, what’s the problem with that?” Uh, you have big problems my friend. They may not exist

"Not right now Mr. Gargoyle, I have a headache."

 now because maybe she’s too polite to turn you down, but rest assured after the honeymoon phase is over she’s gonna start the excuses. Do you really want someone making excuses just to get out of having sex with you? I didn’t think so. Turning your woman on is as important as it gets. Making sure she’s happy, horney, and wanting more is the best thing you can do. It’s a win-win really. She wants it, you get it, and everyone’s happy.

Please don't get us wrong, it's not because we're lazy... sometimes we just like to watch

Back by popular demand: Do Women Like….

Well, this week we’ve had an overwhelming number of masturbation questions so here it is Humpers…. Do women like when you masturbate in front of them? Honestly, I don’t know a single woman who doesn’t get turned on by her man strokin his own shaft. So to answer you question….HELL-tada-YEA!

There aren’t too many secrets here guys, its a huge turn on any way ya look at it. Not only does it tease us, but also shows the more inexperienced gal just what to do (should we not be 100% sure) to pleasure you. Plus the idea of you touching yourself to the sight of us is an incredible turn on all on its own.

So, Humpers, feel free to include some masturbation in your sexy time. Here’s a tip from one of our female readers:

“I love it when a man masturbates in front of me. Especially when he does it and rubs the tip of his penis over my clit before he sticks it in.”

That’s all I got to say about that! Short n sweet!

The convo centered on dating and in it I questioned when the appropriate time to start having sex with someone was. And since I have recently entered a ‘something’ with someone who I’m quite fond of and didn’t want to screw (for lack of better terms) it up, the convo focused in on me. When answering the question above, the fair skinned beauty sitting across from me answered very matter-of-fact-ly (is factly a word.. well it is now), “That’s easy, if you don’t care about the guy then have sex with him. If you care about the guy, then don’t.”

I consider myself someone not easily jaw-dropped, but after she said it I couldn’t help but pick my jaw up off the sand (we were at the beach) and screw (for lack of better words) it back into place. Holy hell. Immediately I thought, is this what women are thinking? I better tell my boys!

To me it seems a little ass-backward but as a Lady of Love I prefer to wait and make sure the fella is worth the emotional attachment that comes along with intimacy. But no where in the book of LadyLove would it ever happen that I sleep with someone I don’t care about. That’s just weird. There are those out there and I’m not judging I’m just simply pointing out the way women think these days. Fortunately/Unfortunately (I don’t know which) most women don’t think the same way… apparently. So, next time you bring a girl home from the bar, just keep that in mind. If she sleeps with you she doesn’t give a shit. If she doesn’t, she may be something you want to hold onto. Just sayin’.

This lady sure as hell don't like precum!

This is the first of many new articles written by your Humpettes on what women like. Feel free ladies out there reading the site, comment as you will. We are giving you our perspective but keep in mind all women are different…

So, having said all that, do women like precum?

I have to say yes and no….

Ok, there’s two parts to this one (maybe three).

I will venture to say that MOST of the women who LIKE precum like it because they enjoy sex, they enjoy you, and they know what they’re doing.

Personally, I like precum because of a few reasons.

-It’s an indicator that you’re turned on and I’m doing a good job

-It’s a nice lubricant for oral sex, hand jobs, and sex (note here that a gal can get prego from precum so if you’re not protecting yourself via birth control I wouldn’t recommend intercourse).

-It most often doesn’t taste like anything and you can play with it in lots of different ways.

It’s not all on the women though, a big factor in whether or not women will enjoy YOUR precum depends on whether or not it tastes good. The only time I don’t like precum is if it smells, tastes foul, or is really, really thick. Some men have thick precum when they drink a lot of alcohol, do drugs, or eat a lot of protein. Genetics do play a part here, some men are just engineered that way. It’s not a big deal and it’s definitely within your control.  Here are a few ideas for you if you’ve been told it’s not pleasant: Precum Taste.

Which leads me to my second part. What if she DOESN’T like your precum? If she doesn’t like your precum do the ‘test’ and make sure it’s not funky. Smell it, feel the consistency, and (ready for this) do the taste test. Alter your diet a tad then try her again. If it’s not your stanky precum that’s the problem you may find that some girls just plain ol don’t like precum. They don’t like to get sticky, they’re not all that adventurous in bed, and you may have to pester them for sex a lot of the time. It’s not that she’s a prude, she may just not be as sexually experienced as you or other girls you’ve been with.

Ok, so that brings me to yet another part of this question…

So what if you have a gal that doesn’t like your precum and it ain’t because of the taste.

Help explore her sexuality. Do things that she likes; pleasure her as much as you can. By doing this you’re turning sex into a positive, fun, and orgasmic experience for her. This may take a few months of unselfish lovins but I guarantee if you do a lot to please her she’ll want to do the same for you. It will definitely pay off. Also, if you have a chick that’s hard to warm her up, do a lot more to try to turn her on. She may need a little romantic coaxing to get her started. Do whatever it takes to make her WANT sex from you, and don’t take it personally if she doesn’t want it all the time. The worst thing you could do is give her guilt trips or complain she’s not giving you enough sex. This is the opposite of helping your sex life!

Now, once you get her liking and looking forward to sex slowly start to ask her to do things for you. “Can you put it in your mouth for just a little bit,” something like that. Use positive reinforcement to tell her how much you love what she’s doing (even if she’s not doing it exactly right). She’ll start associating your precum with the great job she’s doing and begin liking it. At least, that’s my take on it.

Women out there… feel free to give our Humpers your take on if women like precum, why or why not, and how to get them to like it.

So, here you have this hot ass chick, perfect ten, right out of your dreams… and she doesn’t know what in the world she’s doing? What do you do now???
You first have to consider whether or not it’s you. Have you been sexually active before? Have you gotten compliments in bed before? Would you consider yourself a giving lover? If you’re not a giver you automatically suck. So, are you a giving lover? Consider all these things. Have you given women orgasms before? Do you know how to work whatcha mama gave ya? If you answered yes to all these things you have to consider what comes next.
Secondly, decide if she’s worth trying to tinker with and fix. You could totally fix this, but is she THAT fantastic? Is she hot enough, likeable enough, what have you? If the answer is yes, continue reading (wow this feels like one of those interactive books where you keep making decisions and keep flipping to the pages).
Thirdly, make your action plan. Ok, so it’s not you, it’s definitely her. She fits every standard you have and the only thing about her you don’t care for is her sexy time. Now comes the communication part. If you don’t feel comfortable communicating to her straight, like over spaghetti or something, then do it in bed.

This can be done rather skillfully by way of dirty talk:

- encouraging dirty talk (ie, yes baby right there, suck harder, or keep going just like that)

- imaginative dirty talk (ie, I really want you bent over my sofa or I want you to touch yourself for me)

- or placement (reach over and put her hand on your cock or put her in the positions you want her in).

Women are not mind readers but they are smart. Teach her what you want without letting her know you’re teaching her. If she likes you, she’ll want to please you. Remember this though, the more encouraging, complimentary, and overall obsessed with her body, beauty, and performance you are… the better performance you’ll get out of her. Good lucks!

Here’s the skinny…

When in doubt two very easy things will kick start your dirty dish and get you feeling completely comfortable speaking during sexy time:

1. 1. Tell her how beautiful she is
2. 2. Tell her how good it feels

Easy right? As you know girls need constant reinforcement. I PROMISE you will get the most out of your woman if you are constantly stroking her ego. If this doesn’t work come back and tell me!

If you’re one of our lady readers:

Worried about saying the wrong thing or something that won’t turn him on? You’re not the only one. Ready for the best part? We have the easy job! A quick fix to silent sex…

1. Sigh and moan, mama! Mix it up with a little “yes” or “oh God” “that’s it” and he’s all over it. Men are easy in that way. The more you give him or show him you’re enjoying it, the more (for lack of better terms) cocky he’ll feel and the better he’ll do it.
2. Throw the ball in his court. An easy “talk dirty to me” might inspire him to speak up if he’s been holding back. If he’s a tad bashful you can always use leading questions that are really easy like “do you like that baby?” “does that feel good” which are both good standbys.

Alrighty Humper and Humpettes out there, I sure hope I’ve given you a little more to work with. When you feel comfortable here is the complete How to Talk Dirty article that can help improve your sex life. Until then, HAPPY HUMPING!!!

Let’s talk sex toys and how they can enhance your sex life, shall we?

Whether you’ve pranced gaily down that yellow brick road or not, you’ve most definitely thought about sex toys at some point. Should I get one for my lady? Is it considered gay? Will she think I’m a pervert?

LadyLove’s answers to those questions: Yes – No – Maybe (but what’s so bad about that?!?!).

There are a lot of great toys out there that can do a multitude of things like fulfill your fantasies, help you explore your sexuality, enhance your sex life (or absence of one) and so much more.

Tickle Tickle

Here’s my take. Adding a sex toy will do one of two things. It’ll either enhance your sex life, or you’ll try it and find out it wasn’t your size slipper. If you are relationshipless, adding a sex toy to your masturbation regimen (I know you have one) will pleasure you in place of a companion. DON’T WORRY! You will NOT like it better than having the company of a warm body. If you do, I’m pretty sure you may be disturbed on some other level that I’m not quite prepared to dive into tonight, or you’re going after the wrong kinda gals. Still, whatever tickles your Todo as I always say… actually I don’t think I’ve ever said that.

 If you are in a relationship and want to introduce a sex toy you must do what all us Humpette’s out there preach… communicate. Open communication in a relationship, if nothing else, is most beneficial in the bedroom. Of course, all women are different and need to be approached in creative ways, but hopefully this article will help you assess which type of woman you have and how to handle her.

Speaking of which, it’s only fair that if we’re going to explore how sex toys can enhance your sex life, we’re going to have to talk about the women who love them and the women who’d rather not admit it… and how to approach them about sex toys. When it comes down to it, you can compare most women to some of the characters in the wizard of oz. Observe.

The Dorothy’s: Dorothy was not an adventurer at heart. She would not

wow these guys are scary!

 have left the farm on her own, but she always dreamt of faraway lands (thus the Over the Rainbow song that gets stuck in your head forever)… but, being thrust into an adventure she mustered the courage to prance around a bunch of munchkins in some ugly ass shoes because it meant she’d be able to get back to Kansas.

 Our particular Dorothy is probably a sex toy virgin. She has thought about sex toys (maybe even talked about them with girlfriends), but one thing’s for sure, she’d definitely never have the rubies to go into a sex shop on her own and get one. YET… she’d be willing to try skipping down that yellow brick road if the adventure somehow benefits her.

If your lady is a Dorothy, you have a good chance of getting her to try something if you lead the way. How do you approach this? Buy a toy for her. A MODEST toy! Please don’t whip out the Kong size dong equipped with a lifelike, pubic-haired sack of potatoes. Please.

Go to your local sex shop, or buy from us online, and find something small and discrete, yet very pleasurable. Off the top of my head one of the best things to show her just how awesome adding a sex toy can be, the pocket rocket. It’s small and gentle and can glide into a vaginal or anal opening without traumatizing an area. If you have any questions get online and do some homework or ask the slimy salesman behind the counter what a good starter toy would be. I say slimy because all the slimy salesmen work at sex shops, used car lots, or the midnight shift at Denny’s. Just don’t whip it out to use on her in the back of a used car and then take her to Denny’s after. Ok, I’m getting off topic.

Introduce it to her while you’re both in the ‘mood’ or while you’re getting into foreplay. She’ll be more daring in this state, not to mention stimulated and ready to try just about anything. Remember, she’s only going to go for it if you take the lead. Be confident in your introduction of the toy, be excited about it, and the two of you explore just how much fun it can be.  

Next is our Tinman: The Tinman (or in this case the TinWOman) was known for not having a heart. Well, I see these kinds of women as, dare I say, heartless when it comes to toys. I mean that as, they’re the kind of girls you fear really do like wielding their great big axe (get it, he had an axe.. he he) more than they like having a man around. They have no problem using toys, talking about using toys, or admitting they’ve named all their toys to match favorite celebrities. They have no problems handling big equipment either… ya know, the kind that’ll take out the farm.

If your lady is a Tinman she undoubtedly already has a few toys, YOU just may not know about them yet (everyone else in OZ already does though). This is the kind of woman you can be up front and honest with. Don’t go out and buy her a toy, by this time she’s most likely pretty specific about what she likes. Instead, bring it up after a good romping together while you’re lying in bed winded. And be prepared… she may have some ideas of her own that you’ve never thought of before. Just warnin’ ya. You Humper’s have done a real bang-up job making a reputation for yourselves out in the world as perverts, but let me clue you in on something real quick. Women are just as perverted as men, if not worse, and these Tinman types are big offenders. Be open, as open as you’d want her to be, sex is sex and it’s a beautiful thing if you can explore your limits with someone who wants to help you get there. Also, if you want to bond a little more, offer to go shopping with her for a new toy you can use together. That’ll warm up that heart in no time.

The Scarecrow’s: The Scarecrow was without a brain if memory serves. Well, this chick is close minded to the thought of toys. She is the type of girl who thinks too much to just let herself go and enjoy. She probably views sex toys as perverted and/or unnecessary. Maybe she’s just afraid she’ll like them too much…once you go down some yellow brick roads you may not go back.  

If your lady is a Scarecrow this is my suggestion. Be patient. Scarecrow annoyed the hell out of me during the movie and I’m sure this will be a little trying on your patience… all in good time. Here’s how you’ll manage. If you are using condoms, start this little adventure by using the super-dooper ribbed for her pleasure condoms. Trojan makes some that are amazing and really expensive (soooooo friggin worth it). I believe they are called Ecstacy. Once she’s become undone on a few of those orgasms next time try a vibrating cock ring. Word to the wise, put it on like a regular cock ring and after a few minutes of sex turn that bad boy on! Keep in mind that you’ll be slowly building her toward sex toys WITHOUT her knowledge. Don’t tell her a thing about what you’re doing, just do it. Let her be pleasantly surprised. After she’s come unstuffed a bit (i.e. orgasmed up a storm) she’ll wonder what you did differently. Talk to her as if it is no big deal. “Naw, it’s just a cock ring.” Add no hype and please no convincing monologue… nothing.

After she’s been regularly pleasured by the cock ring, try a pocket rocket or something like a Lingo (vibrating tongue ring). Theres all kinds of things that are smaller and yet extremely pleasurable. Keep in mind the worst thing you can do is talk to her about what you’re doing. She’s dense packed full of moldy straw, she needs to be shown! Once she has the vibration of a toy stimulating her clit simultaneously as she’s being penetrated, she’ll be an enlightened woman.

Unfortunately, this may be as far or as close to using sex toys as you can get with her, but feel it out. If she’s really digging the smallther toys you may want to proceed as you would with the Dorothy and just buy something a little bigger to try next time. Again, bring it to the table as if it’s nothing big. If you do buy an actual toy (modest) to use on her, do it while you are going down on her. She’ll enjoy it for sure and then segue into using it during sex. Know your limits and proceed cautiously.

The Cowardly Lion: The Cowardly Lion had no nerve. He had to be coaxed out of his dwelling into the real world and was led on an extraordinary adventure where he learned he was courageous after all.

If your gal is a Cowardly Lion, I hope you have what it takes to coax this little kitty out of her hole. I believe you have a good chance of getting her to try something if you are sensitive and nurturing about it. How do you approach this? Again, buy a toy for her. A tiny, soft toy that you will have to manually stimulate her with… to show you care. No vibration or bells or whistles she spooks easily and then you’ll have to start the coaxing process all over again.

I do, however, recommend chalking up the evening that you chose to introduce the toy to her, as a loss for you (no expectations are sometimes better), and by that I mean figure you’ll spend most of the evening pleasuring her and possibly not getting off yourself. No pressure but tonight may make or break your chances of getting her into sex toys. So, you’re going to start this midway into some heavy foreplay and WAY before penetration. Best if you are going down on her. Whip out your little emerald (A mini love bullet or mini glass dildo) from its secret hiding place as you’re workin’ it and begin pleasuring her with it. Don’t show it to her, just do it! She too has to be shown and not siked out about it.  When she asks what you’re doing, before you show her what it is (make a game out of it), ask her if she likes it. She’ll no doubt say yes. As soon as she does ask her where she likes it and begin working it around. Once she’s fed into taking pleasure from the piece you can reveal it. She’ll be shocked that she could take pleasure out of such an unthinkable thing and be willing to try more in the future. Start small. As she gets more confident in her own sexuality and how ‘okay’ it is to use toys in bed and get out of that cave she’s been hiding in, the more she’ll be open to trying new things. Bingo-bango.

I hope this article helps you categorize your lady and in doing so aids your plan to introduce a sex toy. Just know that you’ll be doing most of the prancing around and you may run into a witch or two, but eventually all your hard work will pay off.

If you’d like more information about how to purchase sex toys visit www.adameve.com

So you’re having trouble with your gal pal? She wants you to be more take charge, but the more you try and keep tabs on things, the more she says you’re a controlling asshole. Sound familiar? Well, maybe not ALL of you are experiencing these particular circumstances, but no doubt it is a fine line to walk as a man in a relationship with a woman. She wants you to take the reins, but when you do then you’re not doing it right. What in the name of Lady GaGa’s strap-on is going on here?

Well I’ll tell you, but only because I feel bad for you poor Humper’s out there who are just trying to keep their ladies happy. Women want a guy in charge. We want him to pay, open doors, and make the travel arrangements. Basically, and as simply as I can put it, what we mean by ‘we want a guy who is dominant’ is that we want him to take care of us and have everything under control. Try to deny it as they may, “I’m gonna burn my bra and sing Spice Girls cuz I believe in girl power!” women are full of SHIT and want a guy who is take charge. I’m sure it all stems from daddy baggage but that’s what we want.

NOT to be confused with a man who is controlling. A controlling man is the biggest turn off since Amy Whinehouse smiled in public. Don’t know the difference? Ok, to put it simply, we don’t need to be monitored, shadowed, stalked, given permission or allowance, or anything of the like. If a girl goes out with her friends and her boyfriend calls sixty-five times to find out who she’s with, when she’s coming home, where she’s at now, and how she’s doing he is controlling… no bueno.

I should point out here that there are two types of controlling men. Those guys I mentioned that are openly controlling like the example above, and then the guys that are covertly controlling. You know, the ones who put their girlfriend’s cell phone on their plan so they can see who she’s communicating with and/or how much she’s using her phone. Also, another big one is separating your girlfriend from her friends. This is a huge red flag and THE biggest covertly controlling act a man could do. Let her be an individual… if you don’t like that about her, you are controlling.

So in case I haven’t made it clear enough, controlling and dominate are two different things. Controlling = bad. Dominate = good. Bottom line, for a man it should be instinctual to want to look after, protect, and take care of a woman as this is what men have been doing since the dawn of time.  Take care of us, and take care of things FOR us, but don’t try to control us. Matter of fact, if you WANT to get rid of a gal because she’s a pain in the ass, just start breathing down her neck and looking over her shoulder… she’ll be gone in no time!

only a kid could get away with that!

Sex Tip Of The Day:

Hi Humpers, I’m back!!!

I do have a great sex tip for you fella’s out there. It happened the other day and I enjoyed it very much and thought I’d share. See how thoughtful I am : ) Just playin. So anyway, I was kissing and enjoying myself quite a bit (cuz boy had some moves), when he did something that sent me through the roof. While we were kissing he had his hand on the small of my back. No biggie, that’s a staple move for most men, but while we kissed he slid his open hand from the small of my back down over the middle of my upper ass and pushed me closer to him and held me there. I was wearing a very short skirt at the time and every fiber in my being wanted him to just go a little further south, but he didn’t. Very sexy. Actually, it was wonderful. I’ve been groped, slapped and fondled but this was like the gentlemen’s way of adding a little fire to the kiss without all out grabbin my goodies. Try it next time you’re making out and get back to me!