How to Dirty Talk
How’s your sex life these days? Missing a little something? Not feeling that spark? Striking out with the ladies in the sex department? Well, we may have just what you need… no, this is not an infomercial for the new Axe deodorant flavor; it’s an article about dirty talk. I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic and how I would break it down for you Humper’s out there so it’d be easy to pick up… so far this is the best I can do. Be sure to leave me some questions if you have them.
If you don’t think dirty talk is important during sex you are seriously missing out. It’s simply one of the best ways to increase both your libidos and improve sex in and out of the bedroom. Learn the language of dirty talk today; go on to have phenomenal sex tomorrow. If you can master this secret language you could easily move to sex god status. Actually, it’s not really a secret. It’s not really a language either, but it is a skill you’ll want to know and reading this article will provide the basics for you (hopefully).
In my experience, I’m amazed at how many guys either don’t talk during sex at all, or attempt dirty talk and fail miserably. Talking dirty to your gal is one of the easiest ways to get her turned on and assists in getting her off faster and easier. Alls ya gotsta do now is learn the lingo.
In my attempt to teach you the basics, I’ll first give you the run down on the “what NOT to do’s.” Unfortunately, guys who try without having a little tutoring first might receive a grade for effort, but most often flunk so pay attention…
Things that may flunk you easily:
NOT talking dirty – your girl may not ask you for it, but no doubt what gets her hot is a little naughty talk. If you want to increase her chances of having an orgasm learn the lingo and use it! Find what works best for the two of you; don’t use some cheeseball porn phrases please.
NOT using the right volume – I know it sounds lame, but I’ve had guys who tried to talk dirty and it may have worked in improving their performance in bed… if I could have heard him. Nothing breaks the mood more than having to ask “What?” Make sure you’re speaking loudly enough for your gal to hear but not to disrupt the neighborhood. Unless that’s your thing.
NOT consistently talking dirty – I find that most guys get lost in their own head when having sex. Maybe they’re thinking of the last night’s Lakers game so they don’t blow premature, but that aside, if you start talking dirty BEWARE she’s gonna like it and want you to continue. Don’t say one or two things and then stop.
NOT saying the right things – This is a big one and it’s totally subjective so I’ve included some helpful phrases below. Of course your lady is completely different and may like it when you slap her and call her a whore, but I haven’t included those types. Also, be sure you’re in tune to what she wants. Stay away from the same phrases over and over. Mix it up a bit and use your imagination… we all know you Humpers out there have them.
Ok, so the thought of talking dirty to your girl probably excites you, but what if you’re afraid to sound like a ‘tard in the process. Have no fear. There is a very simple equation when it comes to dishin’ the dirty talk. Note* aside from the first tip, the others are not in any particular order of importance.
First and most importantly, remember it’s all about her. Her vajayjay comes before your dingdong and you HAVE to make her feel that way. The best performance you’ll get from a woman is if you make her feel desired, lusted after, and absolutely irresistible. In other words, when you’re talking dirty talk about her. Talk about what you want to do to her, what you’ve been thinking about doing to her, what you’re going to do to her, what you want her to do to you, and how she feels doing what she’s doing. Easy right?
Second, ask her yes or no questions, or questions that require short answers. Unless you’re in a long distance relationship, do not ask her for an all out thesis on what she wants to do with your cock. Not necessary. Dirty talk is passionate and spontaneous; let’s not make it more complicated than it needs to be.
Three, be prepared to take the reins. Unless she’s a dirty talk diva, you lead! You are the one who’s going to initiate and carry the two of you through the climax. She may chime in and get just as naughty as you, which would be awesome, but in case she doesn’t just be prepared.
Four, you are turning her on and working her toward a climax, your dirty talk should mirror that as well. Start out with some soft talk (not to be confused with soft volume) and as she’s getting ready to blow make sure you get more and more perverted and/or demanding. Or, you could be really pervy in the beginning to get her going and as the climax comes closer, use more gentle phrases. Whatever works.
Five, listen to what she wants and do it or say it. If she says over brunch one day that her fantasy has always been to get fucked in the bathroom of McDonalds, make sure the next time you two are intimate you talk about what you’ll be doing to her once you get her in the stall at MickyD’s… “First I’m gonna buy some fries then I’m gonna shove them…” just kidding. Or, if she tells you she likes a dominating man consider it permission to be taking the lead. Dominate that shit by making sure your naughty talk follows suit.
Six, don’t assume right off the bat she’s a bonafide pervert like you and the rest of us Humpettes. Alls I’m saying is don’t freak her out right away with the “I wanna rape your little asshole.” Work her into it, k? Also deep, sensual, pervy dirty talk is not what you do on the first rompin’. There are two types of dirty dish. The generic (some things you say to someone you don’t know too well) and the deep dish (to someone you can be as much as a pervert as you want to because you know just what turns them on).
Seven, unless she’s into it, please do not refer to your member as some sort of food object. I only include it because it’s happened. Women do not want to hear you refer to your lil man as a bratwurst or Vienna sausage (I shit you not it’s happened). Unless she’s in Ripley’s Believe It Or Not museum for worlds most obese woman, I’m willing to bet food isn’t turning her on. I’m gonna just end on that note.
A great tip: you may already know from some of my other articles that a GRAND idea is to call or text your gal while she’s away and dish some dirty talk. Doing this while she’s at work or off to buy groceries is a fun way to keep up the momentum of your sex life.
Ok, so the moment you’ve all been waiting for (drum roll please)………………………
After sifting through countless dirty talk websites and books, I found some really great phrases that are easy to remember, generic, and really hot:
Do you like the way that feels?
Use your mouth on me.
You’re so damn gorgeous.
I’m going to control you tonight.
Tell me what you want.
Just lie back and let me make you cum.
You like that, don’t you? You like it when your man fucks you?
I adore how naughty you are.
You taste so good.
Come over here and ride me hard.
No one has ever made me come as hard as you can.
You make me so damn horny, baby!
I want to feel those sweet lips all over me.
Fuck me, right now.
I’m going to lick you and suck you until you cum for me.
Do that some more.
Should I tie you up and make you take it, or are you going to be good?
Don’t you dare come until I say you can.
I’m not finished with you yet
You want this cock inside you?
Do you like the way I fuck you, baby?
I want your pussy all over me
It’s all yours.
I want to watch you touch yourself
I want you to come in my mouth.
You want to feel me come? Touch me right there –
How do I taste?
I love the way you taste.
Better be careful…if you don’t do what I tell you, I might stop.
I’m going to make you come until it hurts.
I like it when you spread your legs and take me in?
Do you want more?
Can you come again? I want some more.
Don’t cum, I’m not finished with you yet.
You want it harder, baby?
Tell me you want me to fuck you.
Tell me you love my fucking cock
There are a ton of combinations you could use, just have fun and experiment. On a last note, when things start getting really pervy you may just want to remind your lady that what you say in bed doesn’t reflect how you think of her as a person. Just in case. Alright, I think my job is done here… HappyHumping!
*final note* Something was brought to my attention the other day and it’s totally worth mentioning. Anything including “I want to make you come” may put too much pressure on the situation. Solution to this: use those types of phrases with someone you know how to make come like a longtime girlfriend or fuck buddy. If it is someone you’ve just met or only experienced in bed a few times you may not want to say things like that.
I am trying to find out how and what to say to my boyfriend in bed. He talks dirty to me all the time but I am not sure what to say to him. Could you please give me some advise?
Thanks!
Hey Janette: I asked one of our male writers just to make sure I’d be giving you the right info. This is the advice he had for you:
“tell him what YOU want… (put it in me). when the mood is NOT so sexy, tell him it turns you on when he speaks sexy and ask him what he wants to hear you say. Also, you could start with moaning and yeses.” (and then segue into other things when you’re comfortable) “Basically, just ask questions, but in a dirty way, IE, do you want your cock in my pussy? Then get forceful or you can start softer by saying what feels good during sex “I like it when you…”"
You can also take some of the phrases listed above and put them into play. Most importantly find out what turns you on. This could either be what HE does to turn you on or get you off, or what you like and think about on your own. Take that kinda stuff and during sex tell him what you want him to do or what you want to do to him. As you get more comfortable you can be more forceful but i’d say you’re already a step ahead if he is talking dirty to you. Most guys love it but can’t do it right. At least you know he’ll dig it and give it back. Have lots of fun with it and TOTALLY keep us posted on how it works! HappyHumping! Thanks for reading!
LadyLove
[...] 10. Dirty Talk – learn it, love it. Without it, you’re dead in the water… Here’s how to do it: How to Dirty Talk [...]
This is very informative– thanks for your research on the subject. All the examples are helpful. How do you know if they like it, and what they like to hear? and when they like to hear it? And how do you know if they’re calling you a bitch and a whore in bed that it’s really just for fun for them. Not all guys are that cool, some are abusive dominant and leaning towards dangerous.
Hi Kate, Thanks for stopping by. Here are some answers to your questions…
How do you know if they like it, and what they like to hear? and when they like to hear it?
All the time… we like dirty. We think about sex a lot and the nastier you can be the better. During the day… during sex, it’s all good. Although think of it as another tool, you don’t have to use it all of the time. Personally I can’t stand silent women in bed, it’s awkward, impersonal, and frankly we don’t know if we’re doing a good job. So whether it’s just wailing/moaning/screaming or you begging for more of what you want… it will be a great thing.
And how do you know if they’re calling you a bitch and a whore in bed that it’s really just for fun for them. Not all guys are that cool, some are abusive dominant and leaning towards dangerous.
If you are in a committed relationship calling you a whore or a bitch in bed is just a sexual thing, it won’t extend to outside sex. You’re not ACTUALLY a whore or a bitch. Not all guys like to be this dominant (or are comfortable with it) and I think you are correct in saying that some might take it to the other potentially violent extreme, but for 99% of guys they’ll know when it’s appropriate and when the domination/submission ends.
How do you know if it’s ever too much, not the right time? And then, what’s a fella to do in the middle of a work day? Does that just build the anticipation for later?
[...] hope I’ve given you a little more to work with. When you feel comfortable here is the complete How to Talk Dirty article that can help improve your sex life. Until then, HAPPY [...]