How to Have Sex: Part One
Need to know how to have sex? Have no fear… LadyLove is here to lend a helping hand to all you hardup humper’s out there!!
In an attempt to cover the basics and lay the foundation to our work here at HappyHumper.com, I’m embarking on the most painfully simple, yet totally loaded process of explaining one of the most googled question out there: How to have sex.
Please keep in mind that as a lady of love I have performed the act of sexual intercourse too many times to count, but what I’m giving you in this series will be MY take on how to prepare, perform, and finish the act of having sex. Of course my faithful Humper’s, everyone has their own way of doing things so be open to new experiences and advice.
Part One: How to Prepare
Here are a few things you’ll need to help you get started:
A playmate: by this I mean a girl with whom you wish to have sex with and she mutually agrees to do the same with you. This always helps.
A location:find yourselves a nice quiet place where you can have sex and not get caught with your pants down. This would help. Later when you’re more experienced we’ll talk about how to have sex in public places and the like. Patience apprentice.
A box of condoms: I’m about to get serious here so I apologize ahead of time. If you are worried about not getting as much pleasure out of wearing a condom I’m sorry, there’s no way around it. There are more expensive condoms out there that promote better sensation then others, do your research and if they’re more expensive spend the extra $$$. STD’s are very serious and all too real. Protect yourself, protect those you have sex with, and stop the spread. Wrap it up each and every time or I’ll hunt you down and cut it off. The right to have unprotected sex goes only to those in a mature, monogamous relationship. And even then it should be done AFTER you both get tested and you still need a way to protect yourself from pregnancy. If you wish to be promiscuous and still refuse to wrap it up, you should be fixed… and by fixed I mean you should have your member removed until you grow up and then you can have it back. Sorry to get bitchy about this but it’s not to be taken lightly. You could ruin someone’s life or your own just by having sex. Think about if it’s worth it. Wrap it up so Ladylove doesn’t have to find you and let out her inner Jacqueline the Ripper. Also what definitely fucking helps is bringing your own. It’s your penis so you bring the condoms. Don’t expect the lady to buy them.
A bottle of lube:I say just have it for backup. If you’re taking notes on this post you’ve probably not had much experience and believe me, that’s okay. That’s why I’m writing it. But what I’m trying to get at is that you may not exactly get her as wet as she could be THIS time around… keep reading HappyHumper.com and I’m sure you’ll be an expert in no time. Either way, buy a bottle and keep it as backup. If you want to really come out on top buy a flavored (BUT NOT WARMING) lubricant. Warming can have potential side effects so play it safe. Also, another trick is to rub a very small amount of flavored lube on your meat and potatoes beforehand. This way, it’ll most likely soak in and leave a sweet, sugary flavor behind for her enjoyment if she’s inclined to give you head. Remember though, just a pea size or else it’ll just seem like you walk around with a slimy penis… and we all know the slimy bird never catches the worm (what??), ok well, what I’m trying to say is a slimy penis won’t help you get some at all.
Bonus points: Create the mood if you can. Have sexy music in the background (for more info about that read our post: Sex Soundtracks), light some candles, turn the lights off… you get my drift. She’ll eat it up, not to mention it’ll boost her confidence a little to know you’ve gone out of your way AND she can cover up anything on her body she may not be comfortable with you seeing. Benefits to you are equally important. If you’re at all self conscious over penis size, a beer gut, hairy ass, double chin (I dunno what guys worry about)… this will without a doubt help!
Extra Bonus Points:Good hygiene. Shit, Shower, Shave… manscape! Trim the boys but don’t shave them or the shaft of your penis or else you’ll be really, REALLY sorry when that shit grows back in. Just keep it manicured, it’ll make you appear to have a larger cock as well as be easier for her to handle. No one likes to pull pubes out of their mouth while they’re trying to givehead. Also, shave your stubble. If you have a beard or whatever, fine. Keep it. Just shave the stubble as that hurts and doesn’t make for good kissing on either set of lips she owns… you guessed it, this monumentally helps.
Extra, Extra Bonus Points:If you’re the type who can get hard relatively easy, masturbate while you’re in the shower before your date. Popping one off quickly may help you to last longer during the act but don’t do it if it’ll inhibit your little Humper from wanting to come out and play with your new friend. Yes it helps.
Side note if I may: Please, if you love your LadyLove you’ll do this one, very small little favor for me. Stay the hell away from garlic, curry, onions (red ones!), cigarettes (unless she smokes), or anything of the like. Just because you like the taste of it going down DOESN’T mean she’ll like tasting it as it emanates from your stomach. Please don’t take this the wrong way but men tend to radiate smells more than women do so keep this in mind when you order dinner. Even if you brush your grill after kissing a few times, whatever stank-ass meal you had will start to resurface once the minty freshness is gone from the brushing. Just FYI.
At this point I’m going to open the floor to all our Humper’s out there. If you’ve found anything in particular that works best for you please comment below.
Keep in mind this article only goes through how to prepare for sex, save the juicy stuff for Part 2: Performing Sex. In the meantime, let other Humper’s in on your secrets and I’ll just have to love you forever.
Stay tuned for more 
