First Time Sex
"you wanna fuck like me? Do as she says!"
We’re all familiar with the story of boy meets girl. They meet, they fall in love, they get it on! At least that’s all I remember of it. But, not everything plays out like a perfect Enrique Iglesias music video. Yea it’d be great to lay some hot tennis star out on the bathroom counter top, sing in her face and dry hump her… But we all know that shit just don’t go down like that!
This is why I’ve set out to talk to you about the awkward truth about the first fuck…
Unfortunately, the story of boy meets girl does NOT include the awkward, often clumsy, off rhythm, nerve racking, and sometimes not so satisfying truth that is “the first fuck,” as I like to call it. I would make a music video out of it myself but number one, I can’t sing and number two, I don’t think anyone wants to see hot clumsy people trying to get each other off in the dark. Ahem, bucko, the vagina’s a little to the left.
So, what do we do about this? Clumsy first time sex with a hottie is not an option. You want a return date, right? Or, maybe you just want the reputation of being a good lover. Whatever your intentions, we’re here to help. I’m about to give you MY dish on how to be THE Enrique of the first fuck experience… minus the big hairy mole. Double yuck!!
First things first, have no expectations. From experience, I know that after you build someone up in your head (and we all know the magnitude of the male imagination here), what’s often left is a lot of room for disappointment. All the flirting, ‘accidental’ grazing body parts, sexy you can’t touch this kisses… none of that matters, first fucks will almost always be below par if you’ve set a standard she knows nothing about. I’m not saying to go back in your spank bank for some Angelina Jolie fantasies, by all means, just accept that your lady friend could never, though sometimes you get a pleasant surprise, but most often can never live up to the woman you’ve undoubtedly fanaticized about over and over. Sure, you’ve fucked her against the kitchen counters, you’ve buried your head deep in between her legs, and you’ve indulged in her every curve. In return she’s stroked you and sucked you until your body jolted and exploded from your deepest bowels… but all this was satisfyingly executed from the safety of your imagination with Rosy Palm and her five friends. Have no expectations, only a healthy curiosity and lust. First fucks should be exciting and fun. You’re getting to know each other on another level, and you’ll never repeat the excitement that comes with the first time you have sex together… be thrilled to find out what she’s been holding back! And be open cuz homegirl could be a freeeeaaakkk!!!
Second, run the show, take control. The first fuck is like designing a piece of artwork that has your name scribbled all over the canvas. If you suck in bed, you’ll always be known to that person as the guy that sucked in bed. “Oh, he was hot but he had no idea what the fuck he was doing (insert giggle here).” I’ve said it and heard it before gents sorry to say. So, take control of the situation. If it’s going to have your name on it you better make it phenomenal and leave a lasting impression. I know it sounds cliché, but do it as if it was going to be your last time with a human woman before aliens beamed yo
u back to the Mothership for a century, and you’d never have sex with a pink wet pussy again. Instead it’ll be replaced with green, soggy-stink alien vajayjay. Got it? For many of you this may be the last impression you have on this gal so make it a good one. Don’t count on your lady friend to make it great, jump in there. Not to mention, every woman likes to be dominated at some point, what a great time to do it.
Thirdly, take your damn time! Unless she is ripping your clothes off, sucking you retarded, and humping you limp, you have no excuse to rush this. Maybe that’s what she wants… at this point I should stress that you need to be reading her subtle and NOT so subtle signs (like the above example). But mark my words, just because she’s breathing heavy and saying “yes, yes!” it doesn’t mean she wants you to ram it in and be done in 20 minutes. A woman will bend over backward for a man who knows how to take his time. ENJOY everything about her body and rush nothing. You want to be rock hard when you enter her anyway, right? Well, how better to do that then kiss, lick, and delicately suck and tease her from head to toe. She’ll be so receptive and ready for any penetration by time you’re done NOT rushing, and enjoying the goddess body you’ve fucked up and down in your mind, that even if you have a needle dick she’s going to feel it as if you
were Ron Fucking Jeremy!
I should mention here that the more you seem to be into her body, the more she’s going to give back… remember that if nothing else. Also, the sexier you make her feel… oooch! Watch out!! You’ll unleash her inner porn star and then, THEN, I’ll feel sorry for your little man.
Fourthly, as a general rule you want to come across, at least on the first time around, as a woman pleaser. This will ultimately make it to the second round or even the Enrique status. Remember our little discussion about no expectations. Well, I’m speaking to you, SHE still has expectations. So, exceed them! You want to do whatever it takes to please her, be selfless and dedicated to the art of making her cum first (because it certainly is an art). Again, read your lady. If she’s already cumming, BINGO, a girl who is easy to please! You’ve got your work cut out for you and you need to consider yourself officially high-fived by yours truly. If she’s wild and just wants to fuck, give it to her, who are we to generalize. But if she’s a little in her shell and difficult to get her to a climax, you better at least try. Bottom line, be a woman pleaser or don’t expect much in return. For example, as a general rule of thumb, if a man doesn’t go down on me for at least ten minutes he is a selfish lover and wont be getting as much as I can give… and boy can I give it!
If the man cares about leaving his mark then he HAS to go down her the first time around. It says so much to her and is almost an automatic in for the Enrique Award… just remember “I’d like to thank the Academy, AND all my Happy Humpettes at HappyHumper.com.” And, let me clarify, I’m not talking about grazing the area with a little lick and moving on. That, mister, does not count and it is not viewed by a woman as a fun tease. Be a man and stick that fucking tongue deep inside her and tongue tease her until you’re satisfied that you’ve gotten your point across… I’m a damn good lover bitch!
Numero Cinco, easy does it! Enter slowly. If you were unsuccessful at making her cum with your mouth, das okay you’re just getting warmed up! By this time you’ve softened her up quite a bit and left her a wet sloppy mess. She’s dying for penetration. In fact, every tingly sensation in her entire being is on high alert, waiting for something to happen. When it’s done correctly, it’s going to rush her blood to her face, arch her body, roll her eyes back in her head, and curl her toes. This is where you are certain to make an impression.
As bad as she wants you to ram it in, don’t. Tease her with your cock first. Tap her clit, rub it around a bit, stroke it up and down, fake putting it in and pull it out. When you’ve absolutely driven her insane and you think Linda Blair is going to pop out in a second and spit green pea soup all over the
fucking place, THEN gently ease it in and push it deep down until you can’t get it in any further, or she can’t take any more of it. Enjoy this moment. There is nothing in the world like the feeling of the first time in, especially if it’s done by a man who worked that body!
Sex, I mean, Six. As far as sex goes, I’m skipping this section because I’m assuming you know what you’re doing. If not, please tune in every week for more education you poor, poor man. And rent some porno’s for Pete’s sake!
Seven. In order to get my point across here I’m going to have to take one for the team and participate in a little sharing time. Gather ‘round little boys and I’ll tell you a story that happened long ago, in a distant land, to a young, fair Lady.
After an uneventful 20 minutes of humping He, let’s call him Bob, dismissed himself and walked into the other room. I lay in bed and reflected a moment. It was our first time and as tradition, it, like nearly all other first sexual experiences with a partner, was just okay. If memory serves, it was a little boring to sum it up. We kissed, we fondled, we fucked. No fore play, no teasing, no talking, just humping. BBBbbooooooorrrrrRRinggggg! So after he walked into the other room, after our 20 riveting minutes, I gave him a few to pull himself together thinking he was probably getting us a drink or something. When he didn’t return I got up and followed his direction into the living room. What I found was the most disturbing thing I’d ever seen.
Him, that would be Bob, fucking a donkey with a damn Mickey Mouse costume on would have been more acceptable then what I came to find. Sitting in a recliner, naked, with an arm elbow deep in a gigantic bag of Lays potato chips (Original flavor) was Bob. I think its important to paint a vivid picture here for you so let me just tell you the giant bag-o-chips was lying in between his sprawled out legs kicked up in recline mode, remember he’s naked. To make it worse, he was watching football in the dark. Remote control in one hand, greasy chips being shoveled in his mouth with the other.
So there I stood aghast in the doorway and, softly illuminated by the television on mute all alone, there he was… Bob. I think my vajayjay cringed in disgust just now thinking about it. Needless to say, I was blowing that popsicle stand asap. I quickly excused myself and shuttered the entire ride home.
My seventh rule to a first fuck is DON’T GO ABOUT YOUR DAY TO DAY ACTIVITIES AFTER SEX! Are you fucking stupid!! Stay in bed, or fuck her again, or read a book together, or fuck her again, or make something to eat for the two of you, or fuck her again, or tell her she sucked and to leave. I don’t care what it is; just don’t watch television naked in the dark on mute with a bag of Lays Original chips covering your penis in a recliner. If I find out you did this I’ll hunt you down and kill you.
OCHO. Be a gentleman and call her the next day. Even if it is to tell her you weren’t that into her or that you enjoyed yourself but it was only for the sex. Again, remember, you left an impression on her and if you did what we’ve said, you’ve left a very nice impression on her. Have a little follow through, comprende? Giving her closure is the polite thing to do. Just think, WWED, What Would Enrique Do? Or, if you did like her enough to want to try it again, calling her the next day says, “Hey, I’m willing to do it to you again if you be a good girl.” And even if you felt like you left out a few Enrique traits here and there and your second shot is blown… think again, most women are willing to look passed a few first fuck flops if their personality is right. So, dial!
Also a cautious reminder my friends, for every female you screw, she has 20 friends she’s going to tell. Go ahead, don’t listen and continue being a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am kinda guy… see how fast you ruin your reputation in town! Not to mention we love these new methods of mass global communications such as Facebook and Twitter. Bottom line, if she left a number, call it. Karma’s a bitch. Call your latest screw and avoid the huge strap-on the big K owns and wants to fuck you in the ass with for being a little bitch.
Hope you find this informative, wannabe Enrique’s of the world. Thanks for tuning in, and Happy Humping…
Great article… good points.
On second thought I disagree completely.
im just mad she actually put a pic of ron jeremy up there. unacceptable!
what? no love for Ron Jeremy?? wtf?
im jus sayin, not what i wanna look at. maybe photoshop a unitard on him. i woulda been good wit that.
[...] many other problems. So we can totally relate. Don’t forget to read some of our other articles on first time sex, or how to have sex, to give yourself the extra confidence. Also, trim your boys up real nice and [...]
Lays potato chips? ha ha that’s just sad. You should have “Bob” come look at your site, although… he may lack the capacity to comprehend what you’re talking about. Anyway happy humping
no doubt! thanks for readin’